Anyone's sexuality is an inherently big part of their make up, but it's something you think about intensely as a teenager and then most people just come to accept where they are and who they are. I certainly have since being there and have just got on with my life and all the various great, challenging and mundane things that are thrown up in the course of the years.
Sexuality in Focus
Then recently up pops the polarising rhetoric of the anti-equality lobby on the subject of same-sex marriage. For the first time in years, perhaps decades, I'm faced with a group of people on Twitter expressing a whole range of delightful views such as this:
Homosexuality is an "intrinsic disorder" according to the above person's (Roman Catholic) faith and this is passed off not as belief, but as fact. She "knows" this to be the case. Allegedly she's a liberal Catholic who is not at all homophobic, this comment is misconstrued by non-believers, and everyone is disordered so it's okay to say it.
Interestingly this link went to a blog that only contained one reason why same-sex would allegedly harm children, but let's not let facts get in the way. From there one could at least access more homophobic drivel if one really wanted to.
And then we have this type of thing, which goes beyond merely offensive and into the realms of utter brain dead territory. Yes, we all know that a same-sex couple is equal to a romantic and sexual relationship with an animal, or incest, thanks for this.
So There Are Twats Around
Yes there are. What of it? Of course I would not in my ordinary life be exposed to what I think are this range of ignorant and hateful views. Twitter has many strengths but it also makes you realise there are a whole load of people out there you would rather not have in your consciousness. Reading some of the timelines of such individuals makes you want to reach for the mind-bleach. I just don't surround myself with people like this from day to day.
It is easy to dismiss them or mock them. I do worry, however, what message they are sending out to (specifically young) people struggling with their sexualities, comparing their sexual make-up with wanting to screw an animal. All the time they maintain they are not bigoted, they are not homophobic and they are in fact just upholding loving Christian values. There are masses of Christians in this country, including Catholics, who would find their statements abhorrent, and once again it's dangerous but easy to see them as representative. They are not.
Then I came across this blog. Do please click on it and read it. It's by the Chief Features editor of the Catholic Herald, Milo Yiannopolous, a gay 20-something man with over 10,000 followers on Twitter. The blog is full of self-loathing, a depiction of the gay world as "repugnant", "alienating", "self-destructing", "degrading" and contains the breathtaking line "it's wrong to expose an innocent child to the possibility of gay influence". It compares having a gay child to wishing it were disabled.
You cannot but feel complete pity for Milo until you see his unnecessary dragging of Chris Bryant MP's picture from Grindr into matters, and his comment about "where would fat girls be without gay men" at the end.
Milo contradicts himself in this and another blog about whether homosexuality is a choice or not; in one he says it is, in the other he says no-one would choose it. I can only talk of my own experience and belief here, but I know that homosexuality for me is as natural as being right or left handed. Whatever the societal pressures that make us more or less likely to act upon it (if you face the death-penalty, you're more likely to lead a life of misery denying yourself in a straight relationship etc) - it is simply how you are.
The Flip Side: this is Important
However, all of this "debate" in the context of the same-sex marriage debate has made me acutely aware that I am gay, and for some people this is a key defining element of a person's identity - to the extent that they would seek to deny me civic rights on the basis of it. I also thought about the question, would I, at 40 years old, having been through my life to date, actually choose to be gay if I had had the choice? The answer is a resounding yes.
Going through the process of realising I was "different" to our heteronormative world caused me to reflect, challenge myself, gain self-confidence and grow as a person. This was huge to me: I don't believe life is about just material comfort or success: it is for me a process of learning, of growing, of developing. Being a gay teen in the 80s in a suburban bungalow certainly gave me this opportunity. It gives you a very personal understanding of what it means not to be in a majority group, which (one would hope) leads to greater tolerance and understanding of others. I think it did me in any case.
I have been able to create a life for myself without the parametres of the expectation I would marry and have children. Of course straight people can do this too, but they are often looked at with some amount of bewilderment and/or condescension by their peers if they hit 40 and have not reproduced. As a gay man I have far more freedom and can much more do what I like with my life: I left a career in the City because I felt like it, moved to the countryside on pretty much a whim, have the freedom to travel and do much more as I please. I've lived in 11 countries and travelled to 63. I live for travel. I have created a wonderful set of living circumstances and can suit myself. I don't have a partner to support, kids at school, or a whole set of other responsibilities. If I decided I really wanted to move to Munich next month, I could arrange it. I take young Americans on educational tours of Europe for fun: how could I possibly be doing this if I had a family? It is such a valuable job that literally can change young people's lives and I adore it. I'd always wanted to be a teacher and this gives a way of expressing this.
[I should not that of course I could equally have decided to have kids: many gay people do, but I was simply freed from the automatic expectation that I would do so, and if I did not, there was something "wrong" with me.]
Am I selfish? Yes, we are selfish creatures to a major extent. My left of centre views on social justice and opportunity are to a large extent based on selfishness: I think that I benefit very much from living in a society where people are educated, cared for and valued, both in direct and indirect ways. I'd also argue having children can be an incredibly selfish act: but even if it is, so what? If it makes you happy and gives you a sense of worth, great, do it. Just don't think that if people don't they're any less happy than you are by definition.
Have I experienced discrimination or bullying for being gay? In a word, no. I may be lucky (there are still plenty of instances of homophobic aggression, abuse and attacks in this country today) - but having some idiot shouting something once to me from afar in Surrey Quays in 1997 is the only example I can think of. A partner at my law firm also said something behind my back once about queers, I went and saw him, we discussed it, he apologised and that was that. I've had far more sneeriness about being half-German or vegetarian than being gay, and that I can very easily laugh off.
I do not see myself in Milo's description of the "gay world". There is no denying that are elements of urban gay life that centre on drug taking and self-destructive behaviour. I lived in Central London for six years and my entire exposure to drugs would actually make you giggle. On the other hand I know of lots of (straight) lawyers who can't live without their regular hit of Colombian Marching Powder. Sure, I went out, got drunk, had a lot of great nights out - but that was a phase I went through after a five year relationship and I've zero regrets about it. I now live in rural Suffolk in a beautiful 550 year old cottage and the extent of my day to day social life is watching a Wonder Woman DVD cuddling the dog. I *love* it. The "gay world" encompasses as many aspects as the "straight world" does. There are gay people living up and down the country, some single, many in relationships, who do not in any way fit in with the negative depiction that inhabits his head.
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| My Beautiful Little Home |
Critically, the depiction of gay people leading "sad, lonely" lives is so far from my experience. My life is full of love. I have a set of friends whom I consider as family, my real family who adore me, and so much contact with people I sometimes really just love the thought of being on my own in quiet. Even then, I spend most of my time on Twitter with more people I really like. Every time I go down to London I actually get a bit stressed trying to fit in all the wonderful people I care about and want to see. I am single and very happy being so: I go on dates when I fancy it and am lucky enough to still be able to flirt and get the attention of the type of guys I fancy. Dating can be ace: the excitement, the fun, the expectation. How many straight people of my age miss this? I bet quite a few. If someone significant comes along, wonderful - if he doesn't, wonderful. Life is what we make it, and I'm certainly not sad and lonely for being a single 40 year old gay man.
Summary
In a strange way I'd therefore like to thank the motley little crew on Twitter who are so intent on discriminating against gay people by seeking to deny them marriage equality based on their faith. They have made me realise that 20 years after coming out I have created a life I'm incredibly happy with, I'm quite proud of, and that the poisonous description of gay life that Milo has created in his head is a million miles from me. You can't choose your sexuality, but you can choose your religious beliefs. My question is actually why on earth anyone would choose this version of his faith if the result is the self-hatred he appears to display. I wouldn't.
If you are young and gay, celebrate and embrace it. The world is your oyster. There are many things in this world worse than being a lesbian or a gay man in Britain in 2012. It actually has many, many upsides. Happiness comes from within and there is no reason you can't be absolutely happy, fulfilled and have a wonderful life if you happen to be attracted to people of the same sex. If I were 14 again and *had* the choice, I would choose this path again.
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