 |
| Mutti looking fabulous, fresh off the boat! |
In any case, Mutti is German. My Dad was English. 18 years after the War, they got some shit for this. My German family had refused to meet Dad, particularly as he was a soldier and they had lost everything during the War. Mutti eventually came up with the cunning ruse of calling to my Omi from the flat stairs ("Mutti, komm schnell!") and doing the same thing to my Dad ("Doug, Doug, come!). They met face to face, shocked, and she introduced them to one another. After a time the English could do no wrong: only other foreigners were to blame for everything. That said, years later one Great Uncle continued to accuse of my mother of having brought my brothers up to speak only English, so they couldn't communicate with the German family.
In England some of the family were just as unwelcoming for quite some time. She failed to make a great impression during a conversation about London during an initial meeting. Apparently, knowing that there were terrible issues with traffic on the streets of London, she reached for her dictionary. The German for traffic is "Verkehr".
Yup, if I'd been seating there she would have been my favourite person EVER for the clanger she committed in choosing the wrong meaning of the word: "I've heard there is terrible intercourse on the streets of London...."
In the early 90s, one of my uncles announced to me that the Germans were "arrogant, horrible people". Well duhhh: guess what, uncle? I'm half German. I'd spent 2/3 of my life in the country, am really rather fond of the place, and adore my German family, not to mention my Mutti. I think I've seen him roughly three times since then.
Dad and Mutti just got on with it, however. I'm very glad they did. They had an incredibly happy marriage for 36 years until Dad died unexpectedly.
"Don't worry, he's slept with black girls"
What relevance has any of this? Well, I'm gay and depending on where you are, I guess being two men in a relationship is still "unconventional", even today in 2012. It is true that I don't feel entirely comfortable always reaching across for a kiss or holding hands with another guy in public, which is sad. Many people wouldn't blink an eyelid. Some would stare. The odd one might be abusive. You just don't like risking that, so you tend not to do it.
I lived in Atlanta in 1995. I remember a friend telling me that he'd mentioned to a friend of his I was gay, but "not to worry as he'd slept with black girls, so he'd be cool with it." Yup: you whaaaaaat? Unconventional has different meanings and associations in some people's minds I guess.
A Big Age Gap
If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know I started dating Ste in May. You are probably also reaching for your sick buckets RIGHT NOW at the mere mention of this. I'm amazingly happy. I adore him. I drove up to Liverpool and back yesterday, 9.5 hours and 510 miles, to cheer him up, surprise him by taking him out to lunch, and because I missed him. There has been one other guy in the last 10 years I'd have done that for.
 |
| Ste <3 (it's bubbles: he's not Santa) |
Previously I was in a relationship with a man five years older than me, for five years. I've dated guys of my age, or a bit younger. This relationship feels *exactly* the same to me as they did (well, better, because he's amazing). However, there's over a 20 year age gap between us. Ste will be 20 in November and is at university. I didn't really give too much thought to this when we first met. I don't even mention it in a blog I wrote last month about Twitter being a great place to meet someone.
Ste is not some pretty, vacuous teenage thing who thinks only about sex, and can only talk about Beyoncé. I talk to him exactly as I do any of my other friends. I'm very clear we have no problem at all between ourselves about the age gap. He doesn't just "go for older guys" and he's the first younger guy I've gone out with seriously. We just click; the age is irrelevant. Christopher Isherwood was 48 when he started seeing Don Bachardy (18). They were together until Christopher's death over 30 years later. Sometimes love just happens in "unconventional" ways.
 |
| Isherwood and Bachardy in later years |
I'm not so naive as to think that others might not have a problem, however. People can of course be quietly incredibly judgmental, nasty without thinking of the effects of their throw-away comments, and sometimes deliberately mean. I'd expected some stick at some point: it's easy to imagine people would say that I'd just be after him for getting into his trousers and would ask what we could possibly have in common etc. I have to say I've had none, which is amazing. I'm sure some will come and I'll just ignore it, but it won't be "nice".
Hey ho: the fact is I'm not going to not date someone I'm crazy about, because of what people think. Thank you Dad and Mutti for your excellent example. I know it was different (2 year age difference, heterosexual), but the same concept applies. We all need/ want validation of our relationships. You took some serious stick from your families and those around you... but you just got on with it regardless.
Twitter Love
Last night I tweeted last night about the wonderful day we'd had, and it was like a tidal wave of kindness hit me. My followers know Ste is 19. It's on his bio. I thanked people for not being judgmental (without saying about what) and received even more affirmation and love. People said we were so cute, they were were happy for us, it was clearly a natural click etc. Some mentioned all sorts of people they knew with big age gaps in their relationships. One person spoke of a woman who had married a guy 20 years younger etc, etc.
Perhaps the sweetest, funniest one was this from my pal Lisa in the US. I know it's joking, but she kinda hits the nail on the head. Ste isn't as mature as I am: I'm in many respects more immature than he is:
I really want to thank ALL of you for being so supportive. I know it's "only Twitter" but it matters. In real life too we've met quite a few people from Twitter, as a couple, and never felt awkward for a moment. Much is spoken about nastiness, trolling and abuse on Twitter. It can and does also show a very different face at times - even to those of us in "unconventional relationships".
Thank you x
No comments:
Post a Comment