EU Budget

The right wing press is having a field day.  The papers are full of headlines such as "One Step Nearer to the EU Exit", "Britain closer to quitting EU", "Cameron defies wealth tax" etc.  The language of the press is one of war.  War against our closest neighbours and most important trading partners.  Our prime minister banged his hand down on the table, went red and puffy in the face and spoke of his anger and said "I'm not going to pay that bill!"  Certain backbench Tories screamed that the demand was "illegal" and he was told to ignore it.

Judging by Twitter, Europhiles are left wringing their hands in despair, almost giving up the fight.  This is a gift for the Eurosceptics, must be an inside job by a UKIPer at Brussels, total idiocy by the EU, makes it hard to defend them etc.  Certainly a chunk of Labour is seeking to out Tory the Tories, as they have done on immigration, by rushing to get behind the populist call to stop Brussels in its latest outrage.  Let's just turn the pan off boil for a moment and look at all this a bit more dispassionately.

PM "goes to war"

We're being Singled Out

The first general reaction yesterday seemed to be that Britain was being singled out by "Brussels" by arbitrarily having a bill slapped on it to pay a great deal of money in a completely unreasonable space of time.  People were asking if this was deliberate spite by Brussels, or whether it was designed to push us out.  In total it was, perhaps predictably, a typically UK centric reaction.  It is of course the one that's being carried through in the tabloids. 

I looked at the story and asked myself whether any one else had been given a similar demand.   It turns out that 11 of the 28 member states have in fact been asked to pay more.  So clearly it's not just us.

Our figure, €2.1 billion, is however far larger than any other country's.  Except the British economy and population is far larger than say the Netherlands': we have 64 million inhabitants, they have 16 million people.  So I took the figures that were being reported and did a 3 second calculation.  We are being asked for €2.1 billion extra; the Netherlands are being asked for €642 million (I had to go to the Dutch press for that as the reaction was so uniquely UK-centric at first).

So that's a demand of €32 per person for the year from every Briton and one of... oh, 20% more than that, or €38 per person, from every Dutch person.

Suddenly it's becoming a bit tricky to see this as a hate campaign directed solely at Perfidious Albion, masterminded by a garlic munching Frenchman and a beer-swilling German, over a waffle in a side street Belgian café, determined to get their revenge for our success at Empire and the War.

It's "Brussels' Fault"

Some people talk about Brussels as if it is some huge amorphous blob made up of foreigner bureaucrats that is designed solely to make our lives miserable.   It is all imposed on us from abroad, with no democratic input whatsoever.  They seem oblivious to the fact that all the important decision making, the really key stuff, is made by a body called the European Council.

Who is the European Council made up of?  It's the heads of state or government of the national states.  Yep: it's David Cameron for the United Kingdom.  It's a tiny body: 28 people for each one of the member states, plus the Council president and the Commission president.  This isn't thousands of foreign civil servants.  It's our democratically elected national leaders setting out the political agenda and workings of the EU. 

The Council determines how the EU works, by creating and amending treaties, and by making decisions.  One of those decisions was made back in 2007 and it was unanimously adopted.  It wasn't anything sexy or exciting: it concerned the method for calculating the annual EU budget, and in particular the dreary way statistics are calculated.  Once the rule is made, it's then over to the hordes of bureaucrats at the Commission, Eurostat and other EU bodies.  Remember every one of these bodies was set up as a result of the decisions of the democratically elected national leaders, to carry out their will.

Don't like the rules?  Blame our leaders, who created them.  It's not the fault of people whose job it is to carry the rules as they have been instructed to.  If they're doing their job poorly they deserve criticism, but if they are applying the rules as they are supposed to, it is hard to blame "Brussels".  Unless you're a complete idiot, of course.

(Picture in no way linked to preceding sentence)

Why the Demand?

Britain has been consistently reporting too low values for our Gross National Income over the last years.  Hence there has been a large adjustments upwards.  It's that simple.  We weren't happy with the way the statistics were calculated by everyone, wanted the system to be fairer, and have now found out we've been underpaying. 

The reason the story has hit the news is that the FT published a leaked draft report on the statistics.  You can read here in detail why the report says what it does, but here it is in essence:

• In May of every year the EU Commission is required to meet with representatives of each state to estimate what their Gross National Income will be for the coming year.  
• Every autumn they meet again to see if there are any revisions to the numbers.  This is a purely mathematical revision.
• It enables the Commission to set the revised figures in stone on 1 December of each year, as it is required to do.

This year, the difference was that because Heads of Government insisted on it, the statistics provided in May were calculated on a different basis.  The aim was to make sure each country calculates its statistics in exactly the same way, to ensure what everyone pays is fair and above board.  It's not a bad principle.  The calculations used 1995 as a benchmark year.

Patrizio Fiorilli is the spokesman for the EU budget commissioner.  He commented "The timing is far from ideal, but there are rules we have to follow."   As for using 1995 as the benchmark year for calculating the impact of GNI figures: “Member states including Britain insisted on this. It is their decision,” he said.

This is a one-off large scale revision: in the UK's case it actually relates to 11 years of underpayment that works out to £155 million a year on average.  It is a historic correction, not an ongoing demand for massive new contributions as many no doubt think.  The Commission confirmed this yesterday: "With all these issues now cleared, future such corrections will again be rather minor, as they were in recent years."

Addendum: What hope is there when the national broadcaster wrongly claims as it did in this report, that it is an annual additional £1.7 billion that has to be paid?  (They've since corrected it):

The Financial Times by contrast described the £155 million figure as "a sum that would barely deserve a footnote in the annual UK national accounts.

The 1 December deadline

The Commission hasn't plucked this date from the air either.  It is the date that is set out in the rules that are followed every year, as described above.   Apparently the PM found out about the issue on Thursday.  The government admits the Chancellor knew on 21 October, but didn't tell the PM until 23 October.  If this is such a massive issue (more on that below) you'd think George would have texted Dave and warned him WW3 was about to break out.  Maybe he didn't have his mobile number.  In turn, the Commission confirmed member countries were told of the revisions on 17 October.  You'd assume someone would have sent an email off to the Chancellor a bit faster than all that.

Our representatives in all this, the people on the ground, are employees of the Treasury.  A good question was whether they realised that there would be a large revision, or whether it was sprung on them.  They are the ones who prepared the statistics for the meeting in May.  It seems a little unlikely that someone didn't notice the massive difference in the GNI figures that led to the €2bn recalculation.

HM Treasury.  George's patch

Labour’s new shadow Europe minister, Pat McFadden, said last night that he had found evidence that ministers must have been aware of the upcoming changes five months ago when they were sent an Office for National Statistics report which stated that growth figures would be used in a recalculation of Britain’s contribution to the EU budget.

Did the Government delay making news public about this expected revision to the UK’s EU contribution because of fears about how it would play out for the Conservative party?” he asked.  Never!  Our PM would never allow a paralysing fear of UKIP to affect something as important as this just because of his party interests.  Surely.

Turning the Tables

The Prime Minister has ruled out paying the €2.1 billion on 1 December.  He hasn't ruled out paying it entirely on a different date.  He really can't: he is part of the club that has agreed the way all this works.  It's not up for him to argue that rules should be bent: a constant criticism of others is that they don't stick to the agreed rules and should do so.  It is also interesting to imagine a situation where it transpired the UK had been overpaying, rather then underpaying.  I can't imagine we'd be throwing our toys out of the pram if that were the case. 

It's the exact position Germany and France are in, for example.  They have been overpaying for years and are entitled to a reduction on that basis.  I don't see why they should agree to give up that refund of money, in the same way we never would.  In terms of the bigger picture, Germany contributes more to the EU budget than the 19 smallest states do combined.  They contribute not that far off double what the UK does.

It might seem instinctively "cruel" or "perverse" that Greece is being included in the countries that is being required to make an increased payment this year given its economic situation.  But hold on one moment: it is being requested to pay an adjustment of €89.4 million.  That is, with respect, chicken-feed in terms of a national budget, even a country like Greece that has been ravaged by the inhuman policies of austerity.  The fact they are being asked for the payment reflects solely the fact that they have been underpaying previously and there is a fair, objective application of the rules across the board.

Another important thing to note is the stat contained in the bottom right hand of the above table.  This isn't the EU conducting a "cash-grab" as has been suggested.  The budget will actually be €419 million shorter on revenues than had been expected as a result of the application of the rules.  Was it the Prime Minister or was it Farage (I genuinely forget) who excitedly said "This isn't fair, they weren't expecting this extra money!" - the fact is they are going to be working off less money, not more next year. 

Sex and Drugs

Some people in my timeline got terribly excited about the fact that our "black economy" was being included in the statistical calculations for the first time, and that this could be responsible for the increased payment.

It is correct that our GDP was given a £10 billion boost after officials worked out that paid sex work represented £5.3 billion for the economy.  In other EU countries such as Germany and Netherlands such work is legal and taxed, and has therefore been included in the statistics for years.  It is therefore fair (as the national leaders agreed) that everything should be calculated on the same basis.  Another £4.4 billion was added from the sale of illegal drugs.  However, our economy is worth $2,900 billion.  These figures represent under 1% of GDP and are hardly responsible for most or all of the €2.1 billion repayment figure.

Still, a headline of "Sex work and drugs lift EU bill" gets the clicks, I guess.

Huge Numbers

It's so hard for us mere mortals to understand numbers involving multiple rows of zeros on the end.  What does a million anything look like?  A billion?  A trillion?  We can only go on the outrage that politicians express and if they sound terribly cross, assume this must be a massive thing.  €2.1 billion sounds like a huge deal anyhow.  Will we ever be able to afford it?

It is undoubtedly a lot of money.  Just three days ago, however, it became clear that government borrowing was 10% higher than a year ago.  Its spending last month was £11.8 billion.  That's in one month.  The overshoot in spending was - wait for it - £1.6 billion higher (€2.03 billion) in that single month than it had been in September 2013.  The Tories' careful management of the economy involved an overspend that was a full £1 billion over the expectations of the City.

This sparked ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE.  TALK OF WAR.  CAMERON BANGING TABLES.  RIOTS IN THE STREETS.  WITHDRAWAL FROM EVERYTHING.  Oh. Actually, there was a story in the Guardian and one in the economics section of the Telegraph and everyone just carried on.

It's clear that utter double standards apply, and people just aren't applying critical faculties to this.  The EU payment is a one-off, correcting possibly twenty years of underpayment by us, which was because of the statistics we supplied.  It is in accordance with the rules we insisted on.  The Government is slashing spending left right and centre, quite deliberately taking away payments from the long term disabled, and yet they are overspending to the tune of £1.6 billion in a single month.  Hardly an eye brow is raised.

Where are the howls of outrage on the front page of the Mail or the Express over this?  The simple fact is that the howls in the EU case come from the fact that Johnny Foreigner is seen as making the "unfair" demand, and nothing sells as well as xenophobia in today's toxic Britain.

EU Myths and Lies

Whilst we're on the subject of myths let's get something straight about EU spending.  It is not going on an army of fraudulent, lazy bureaucrats in Brussels, and it does not represent a mountain of gold.

The EU budget was €144 billion in total in 2013.  The member states' national budgets were €6,400 billion by contrast.  It stands at around 1% of the 28 EU countries' GDP, whereas the budgets of national governments represent 49% of their GDP on average.  The EU budget is always balanced, so there is no deficit or debt - unlike with national governments.

94% of what we pay into the EU comes back on expenditure in EU countries on policies and programmes that directly benefit people who live in the EU.  That includes to you and me on all sorts of programmes, regional spending etc - £5.2 billion in the United Kingdom every year.  6% goes on administration.  Less than 0.2% of EU spending goes on fraud.

On top of everything the UK still gets an annual rebate on its payments: a legacy of Mrs Thatcher that is worth over €3 billion a year to us.  That's pure special treatment for Britain.

The Commission estimates that in 2013 the average EU citizen paid only €0,89 a day (£0.70) towards the EU budget.  It points out that's less than half the price of a cup of coffee.  It genuinely is hardly very expensive given the benefits that the EU brings its citizens.  The CBI puts the value of UK membership of the EU at between £62bn and £78bn a year in extra trade and intangible benefits.  This means jobs and income for ordinary people.  €8.6 billion in and over £60 billion back out?  That seems a pretty darn good deal to me.

Final Word: over to Carl

So there we have it.  In summary, we asked for these rules.  We've been paying too little for years.   The chutzpah of David Cameron is amazing.  He truly is a showman: he's successfully convincing people in this country that the EU really is a conspiracy that has unfairly singled out Britain (and pretty much Britain alone) to stump up loads of cash unfairly.  This hasn't been known for months: oh no, it's just come to light.  And it's a massive, massive amount of money with loads and loads of zeros (unlike the amount his chancellor and best mate is overspending on literally a monthly basis) that we can't and won't pay.  And Europhiles and Labour supporters are falling hook line and sinker for this utter tosh.

I have no idea who Carl Hornsey is, but this was retweeted into my timeline.  He puts it all much more succinctly than I do.  I like his style.

Eurovision Triumph

Well, it's all over for another year.  "Gay Christmas" came and went last night with 125 million viewers across the continent.  Initial estimates suggest at least 126 million of these were gay men.  Families at home, bars, and drunken Eurovision parties tuned in for the annual smörgåsbord of camp fabulousness.  It's the yearly celebration of how deliciously bonkers we Europeans truly are. 

It was a delight, for many reasons.  One of these is that show has gone way past the stage of having only cult "irony" value for the sheer car-crash value of the horrendous acts and dreadful costumes.  The Terry Wogan piss-take era is now firmly behind us, with some arguably very good chunes indeed.  Heck, I wasted £4.74 on iTunes this morning frantically downloading some of them, so they must be good.  

Then we had the sets: Ukraine deserves a special mention inventing a whole new sexual fetish.  This involves putting a totally fit guy dressed in a shirt and tie in a giant hamster wheel and asking him to run round and round for you.  If you haven't yet tried it, I recommend you do.  When gay Twitter discovered Hamster Man's amazingly sexy name was <ROMAN> it frankly imploded for several hours.  Well, I had to lie down for a bit anyway.

TeamWurst

Eurovision 2014 will go down in history, though, for its result.  Unless you're in some distant village in Outer Mongolia with yak mail being the only connection with the rest of the world, you'll know that a bearded drag queen from Austria, Conchita Wurst, took first prize.  She didn't just win - she romped home with a massive 290 votes. 

Conchita is exquisitely beautiful.  She has a figure to die for.  In her own words, she's a "singer in a fabulous dress, with great hair, and a beard."  The new Queen of Europe is a bearded lady.  Let's pause for a moment to consider her name: yes, it actually means "Pussy Sausage" in a combination of Spanish and German if you were wondering.

The person behind Conchita isn't transgender, unlike Sharon Cohen (Dana International) who took the Eurovision prize for Israel in 1998.  Conchita is the stage persona of a 25 year old guy called Tom Neuwirth, who's from grew up in a provincial town of 3000 people in Styria.  He's a gay man in drag.  With a beard.  

Russian politician Vitaly Milonov, one of the architects of the country's "gay propaganda" law last month called Eurovision a hotbed of sodomy and called for a Russian boycott of the show.  He further called for the "pervert" Conchita to be excluded, and labelled her an "obvious transvestite".  Regarding the latter claim, Vitaly, in other news bear shit was this morning discovered in the woods outside St Petersburg. 

The Votes

Ten million people dialed in across the continent last night to vote in, to add their voice to the professional jury (since 2009 voting is 50/50 jury and popular vote).  What they did was to confirm that this, our continent, is a far more liberal and tolerant place that many ever thought it was.  Let's be honest: Conchita's song was fair to good.  It wasn't a stand out winner if simply heard on the radio.  It was the act that made this phenomenal: last night she looked a million Euro.  

I watched a fascinating voting pattern: one after the other the ten countries with same sex marriage joined #TeamWurst, giving her full or nearly full marks.  Belgium, Netherlands, UK, Spain, France, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Portugal: not one didn't do so.  Countries where same sex is very much on the cards (Ireland and Finland) also joined them, as did some other countries you might not have expected to hand over the douze points: Hungary, Greece and Israel.  

Moreover, if you strip out the jury votes and simply look at the popular votes, Conchita's popularity amongst the people of Europe was even more resounding.  Her score goes up from 290 votes (a margin of 52 over the runner up, Netherlands) to 306 votes (86 votes clear).  The juries are there for very good reason and the official score is all that matters - but what's clear from this is a reinforcement of the fact that people across Europe loved her.

 

It just really struck me: is there anywhere else that would fall over itself to vote for a bearded drag queen if they had such a contest?  I can't imagine this happening in a million years in the USA for example.  
 

No Politics

The Eurovision Song Contest is older than the EU.  It was created just 11 years after the Second World War.  The armies of Hitler (that other Austrian whose facial hair is really rather famous) and Stalin had decimated Europe.  It was set up to bring the people of Europe together: quite the tall order and amazingly idealistic given the time.  Political statements are expressly forbidden. 

2014 is the year of anniversaries.  It's 100 years since the heir to the Austrian throne was assassinated at Sarajevo, plunging Europe into the hell of WW1. It's 75 years since Reichskristallnacht, when synagogues were burnt across Germany (and Austria): the precursor to both WW2 and the holocaust.  It's 70 years since the D-Day landings and hope spread out over the continent like a slow-burning flame from the beaches of Normandy.  It's also 70 years since the failed assassination attempt on Hitler by aristocratic German officers who paid with their lives.  They had proposed a union of democratic European nations, with its capital in Vienna, the seat of the old Holy Roman Empire.  It's 25 years since the Berlin Wall, the physical symbol of division across the continent, came crashing down, and Austria resumed its natural place at the cross-roads of a Europe that has been healing ever since.

WHAT symbolism then, that Conchita won this year, and next year Eurovision will take place in Vienna.  Rainbow flags were flying everywhere in the audience last night.  Conchita could not say what she wanted to because of the no-politics rule, but everyone knew exactly what she meant when she said:

"This is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom.  You know who you are.  We are unity and we are unstoppable."

Yes, Conchita, we are.  We are LGBT Europeans and the tens, if not hundreds, of millions of straight friends and supporters right across the continent. 

So Proud to be European 

What a different place this continent of ours has become.  It's so easy to forget when you hear constantly the repugnant views of xenophobic, homophobic politicians reported across Europe and on our own doorstep (yes, UKIP, I'm looking at you).  

The vote was a huge f*ck you of liberal values over the dying voice of social conservatism.  It was an affirmation of anyone who has been different and been stigmatised because of it.  It was the personal triumph of a schoolboy from Gmunden who grew up fancying other boys and wanting to wear frocks. 

It was a peaceful, democratic, liberal Europe slowly but surely taking the lead dragging the world into a new century, exactly 100 years after it had plunged it into militaristic chaos and destruction.  It's a new Europe that has voted for marriage equality in an increasing number of countries.  It's by no means without its problems, but in so many respects, it's just such a great place to be. 

I was so, so proud to be European last night.  What a great side of people this brought out, and what an amazing, symbolically significant thing a camp song contest can be, particularly when a bearded lady wins it.  Who'd ever have imagined it :-)

Oktoberfest!

It's that time of year again... September.  So let's talk about the Oktoberfest.  Yep, Oktoberfest is puzzlingly already on its second weekend over there in Munich, the capital of Bavaria.  Here's everything you need to know about it.  Grab a beer and enjoy...

Check out the heels - and the dainty beer mug. On their way to Oktoberfest.

It begins in September

That's the first thing to note about this, the world's biggest party.  A little like May Week, which takes place in Cambridge in June, there at first doesn't seem too much logic to this.  The celebrations date back over 200 years to when Crown Prince Ludwig of Bavaria married his bride Therese in Munich on 12 October 1810.

Ludwig later became King and abdicated after a toe-sucking scandal with an exotic dancer called Lola Montez (real name Eliza Gilbert from County Sligo in Ireland).  This caused a revolution - but that's another story.  Ludwig I is not to be confused with his slightly odd, castle-building grandson Ludwig II.  He definitely wasn't into sucking women's toes and I like to call him a "Queen amongst Kings"- click on the link if you want to learn about him in another of my posts.

Anyway, back to Ludwig I's wedding.  This is Bavaria and they like a good party.  25% of the world's entire beer production comes from this one southern German state - there are 1600 breweries here.  The average Bavarian drinks 46.5 gallons of beer a year, so they make a good dent in the beer production before they even get round to exporting it.  Beer is actually known as "liquid bread" and is classed as a food-stuff.  It's strictly brewed according to the purity law of 1516.  This says that only water, barley and hops are allowed as ingredients.

Although sometimes much stronger than American, Australian or British stuff, it tends to give you less of a hangover.  Apparently.  Can't stand the stuff personally ;-)

Bier macht stark (beer makes you strong)

So they had a massive piss-up in 1810, and it was so much fun they decided to repeat it the following year.  And again, and again - right up through until today.  Apart from 24 years that were missed because of cholera outbreaks, hyper-inflation or war, it's been held every year.  This year is therefore the 180th Oktoberfest.

It can get cold in Bavaria at this time of year, however, and the story goes that one year it snowed, ruining the fun.  You just try standing round in Lederhosen with snow blowing up your boxers.  No one likes a cold sausage.

Therefore they moved the beginning of the party back to September - it generally lasts 16 days and always ends on the first Sunday of October (subject to some funny rules about the Sunday falling on German Unification Day on 3 October.  Most people are too shit-faced to understand them, so don't worry too much about this aspect).

What is it? It's a HUGE party

As I mentioned it's the world's biggest party.  A huge part of town is set aside for the festivities, though in reality the whole city of 1.4 million is transformed into a massive beer drinking zone.  You need to book early: hotels book up 6 months in advance and they often double their prices.  People come from all over the world to join in.  Around 6 million people come to the Oktoberfest and they drink around 7 million litres of beer.  There are soft drinks on sale too, but pretty much no other alcoholic drinks.  It's ALL about beer.

It's not just about getting drunk though: there are lots of fairground rides and lots of food eating.  Being dangled upside down on a roller coaster when you've got half an ox and several litres of strong Bavarian beer inside you is just what the doctor (didn't) order, I guess.

Levitating Lederhosen and Flying Bavarian Balconies

The beer is expensive, by usual German standards, at around €8.50 a glass.  It's served in 1 litre glasses, and it's strong at 5.8-6.3%.  That's £7.10 for a two-pint glass, so £3.55 a pint.  You will literally see waiters and waitresses carrying 6 or 8 of these things in their arms in one go.  Beer clearly makes you strong!

It's not actually called Oktoberfest

Well it is and it isn't.  That's the official name.  All the locals actually call it "die Wiesn" which means "the meadows" in Bavarian dialect.  Wiesn is derived from the name of the place where all the big beer tents are set up: the Theresienwiese.  It's a 42 hectare (104 acre) site with 14 massive tents that hold literally thousands of people each.

The party is worth an estimated €1.1 billion to the local economy.   Here's a clever little thing: only breweries that produce beer within the city limits of Munich are allowed to take part.  That means 7 of them in total, who would ordinarily have shifted production to cheaper sites outside the city.  They don't, however, because of the value of beer sales and the prestige of taking part in Oktoberfest- thereby keeping employment in town.  The huge copper vats of the breweries can be seen all round the city as a result.

Inside the Löwenbräu Tent at Oktoberfest

There are, of course, copies of Oktoberfest around the world, particularly in the US.  German immigrants brought the tradition with them.  Here in the UK I heard of one in Southsea in Hampshire, which included both the serving of wine AND ferret racing...  *shudder*.  You just can't trust the English with serious stuff like this.

Atmosphere

The atmosphere is just brilliant.  I've been once and I can't describe what a great time I had.  It isn't some testosterone laden lads' drinking fest.  The latest figures show women made up 49% of visitors.  6% of visitors were families with children under 14 years old.  People tend to get very merry, but not obnoxiously drunk.  The whole city seems to stop for the party and people will greet you with smiles and laughter on the street.  It's not at all unusual to bump into a group of sozzled grannies.  It is simply wunderbar. 

A party for everyone in modern day multi-cultural Germany

Inside the tents you have thousands of people drinking, chatting, eating and listening to the cheesy oompah bands, who will often play contemporary pop songs too.  Everyone is out to have a good time and the usual barriers about not talking to strangers don't apply.  It's unique and it's lovely.

Last orders in the tents are at 10.30pm so it's not a late night thing.  Sure, other places are open later, but given the tents start serving beer at 9am (or earlier) there's more than enough time to get merry.

Lederhosen and Dirndl

Thousands of people wear Lederhosen or Dirndl to the Oktoberfest.  These are the traditional peasants' clothes that belong to Southern Germany and particularly Austria (not originally Switzerland).  They had died out for a while after the War, but a little recognised fact is that the gay community of Munich is largely responsible for bringing them back to popularity from the early 90s onwards. 

My pal @FionaLaird looking stunning in her Dirndl

Gays of course tend to be ahead of the curve, and the wearing of Lederhosen and Dirndl is now absolutely huge.  Even the German Press has been commenting on it regarding this year's celebrations.  'Tracht is everywhere".  The clothes have totally lost their slightly dodgy nationalist/ conservative association, and instead are recognised as the incredibly flattering, colourful and fun local dress that they are.

The photo at the beginning of this post shows how Dirndl can be made contemporary by wearing killer heels, instead of the flat shoes that formed part of the original peasant dress.  Or Fiona shows here how good they can look with a pair of slinky boots.

Bavarian Balcony, complete with floral decoration

Together the Lederhosen and Dirndl outfits are called "Tracht" in German.  Dirndl pull in the waist, push up the boobs to create the cleavage of the famous "Bavarian Balcony" (often decorated with flowers, I jest not!), hide the backside, and just look great.  As for Lederhosen, I'll come on to their attraction, and powers of attraction, in a moment...

Tracht tends to be worn on special occasions, but you'll see real life people, particularly younger ones, out in them at any time of year on the streets of Munich, Salzburg or in any number of smaller places.  Lederhosen in particular are often worn for a hike in the mountains.  As Benjamin below noted on a recent trip to Austria, they actually are a thing.

You will even find Tracht on sale in Northern Germany nowadays.  Prince Bismarck, the great 19th century Prussian chancellor and all-round reactionary, grumpy, old bastard apparently jokingly described the Bavarians as "half Austrian and half human" (think about it).  He'd have been spinning in his grave to know that department stores in central Berlin now stock the sexy leather trousers worn only in his time by mountain lads down south.

Despite being (properly) half-Prussian myself, I'm extremely happy to say that I own my own pair of Lederhosen and love wearing them when I'm in Southern Germany or Austria.  I've even worn them in London in fact, a couple of times.

I'm also proud to say that a highlight of my sad, tragic life to date was when a group of Abercrombie & Fitch models with abs you could grate cheese on chased me down a street in Munich last October and asked me for a photo.  Yup, you've got that right - they usually get asked all day long for photos of them - they asked me instead and dragged me back to the store especially for it.

No.. I didn't photoshop myself onto this, as much as it might look like it

Take that Bismarck: the (pulling) power of Lederhosen, you see!

Gay Oktoberfest

Since the 1970s there's been a special part of the celebrations organised by the Munich LGBT community.  It's called Rosa Wiesn - or pink meadows. It's a series of events, including the biggest, "Gay Sunday" in the Bräurosl tent.  I went to one of the events and I've never experienced anything quite like it.

Half of the tent was straight - nice, bourgeois visitors eating Weisswurst for breakfast with a beer.  The other half was utterly trashed by 10.30am.  Gay boys were up on the tables dancing, shirts opened to the waist, in their little Lederhosen, socks rolled down their calves, with their cute checked neckerchiefs on.  Is there a more flattering look for a fit guy than Lederhosen?  No. Actually I hated it.  Hated it, I tell you *cough*.

There were also lesbians with plaited hair in Dirndl (and some of course in Lederhosen!) The atmosphere was so incredibly friendly and electric.  Everywhere people were joining in the singing and I've never been to a gay event so free of attitude.  The fact that there were straight people tucking into breakfast on the other side of the tent (you could draw a line down the tent), who were utterly non-plussed by the drunken boys and girls next door, made it all the more fabulous.

Boys in Lederhosen on the Munich subway. Nightmare.

There we have it.  I've used a combination of my own photos and ones from a recent article in the Süddeutsche Zeitung for this post, so I'd better just credit them for copyright purposes.  If you ever get the chance to visit Oktoberfest, I can't recommend it more highly.  Book early, wear Tracht, and Prost!

ROADTWIP!!!

It's Euston Station at 9.03 am on 17 July and I'm a veritable ball of excitement.

There's nothing like getting ready for a holiday - and in this case.... I've had absolutely no chance to.
The previous 4 weeks I've been working abroad taking Americans around Europe without a day, let alone a weekend off.  I've flown back in from Munich the previous afternoon, had my long-awaited brand new car delivered, caught up with regular work, done some washing, and thrown things in the car.  Here I am picking my boyfriend Ste up in London.  Next we have to drop the dog off at my Mutti in Hampshire for his very own dogcation, and then catch a ferry to Calais this evening.  Phew.

A Dream Come True

But nonetheless it's a DREAM COME TRUE.  Brand new shiny red car, somewhat grumpy boyfriend who doesn't like catching early trains, and TEN DAYS to explore the continent on a road trip... or #RoadTwip as I've decided I'll label my tweets.

Ste told me he wanted to do lots of "activities" so I've come up with a list of 20 challenges for him to complete during the journey.  We've got a pretty good idea where we're heading, but it can be tweaked if we change our mind for any reason.

Having safely deposited Oscar in Hampshire, we head for the M25 with bags of time to make the ferry.  We miss it.  A lorry catches fire just in front of us and we sit there for 1.5 hours unable to go forwards or backwards.  Fortunately no one appears to be hurt, and fortunately the ferry people put us on a later ferry to Dunkirk instead.

Here's Ste in Dover still looking decidedly doubtful about this whole experience.  At least his shirt matches the car.  We're going to be camping for the whole trip, or so he thinks. 

The Challenges

No big shakes about the change of ferry, we head down to our first stop, Reims.  We stay in one of those funky French "Formule 1" motorway hotel stops with shared showers and loos in the corridors.  Ste's horror isn't even barely concealed.  Lolooooo: I tell him he's lucky, the campsite in Switzerland will be worse.  At least we have a bed here.  In the morning he has to fulfill Challenge 1.  Piss easy: "Drink Champagne in Champagne".  I didn't stipulate anything about eating our own body weight in pastries, but that doesn't stop us.  Ste is doing a degree in French, so ordering this lot is no big challenge for him.  Also, it's weird how stuffing him full of booze and pain au chocolat improves his mood.  Remarkable!

French Autoroutes are beautiful.  I much prefer them to even German Autobahns: less traffic, fewer junctions, and no where near as insanely fast.  We gobble up the kilometres before heading off cross-country across the Vosges to Switzerland.  A quick stop in Berne to look at the bear pits (I'm convinced the actual bears are a myth, as they're always inside asleep) and we drive up to Engelberg in the Alps.  There is some absolutely stunning scenery on the way, but Engelberg itself is remarkable.  It's up in a mountain valley and is a popular ski resort.  In summer it's much quieter.  You drive up a winding road with waterfalls, fir trees and hair pin bends to get there.

When we arrive, Ste hasn't twigged that we're not following the camp site signs.  I point instead to a beautiful little designer ski hotel.  I've booked us two nights here as a surprise.  Suffice to say he seems rather happy.  So am I: the place is stunning.  It's Hotel Spannort if anyone is interested.  Highly recommended.

The following day is HUSKY DAY.  Ste knew this was coming, but what he didn't know was first, in the morning we were going up the 10,000 ft Mount Titlis.  He doesn't like heights.  The mountain itself is quite high, but the vertical drops from the three cable cars you go up are an extra special treat (the last one revolves).  So is the sign on the top.  It's designed to make you feel better, instil confidence and an sense of security, etc.

But the views! Omg you're on top of the world.  I'd say it's better even that the Jungfraujoch, which is taller, and which you reach by a train rather than a cable car.

Ste has a challenge to complete (all of them can be done at any time on the trip: he's got the complete list).  It is to "Have a conversation in Chinese".  Switzerland in many ways shows shows the changing face of mass tourism.  A few decades back, it was all Japanese and American groups visiting places like this.  Now they serve Indian buffets and curry on top of the mountain and the big groups you see are Indian and Chinese.  Ste leaps straight in there (his degree is French and Chinese) and bingo, Challenge 2 is done by chatting to a guy from Beijing.  They're visiting Switzerland this morning and by tomorrow night will be in Rome, having visited Venice on the way (!)

By way of showing off, he then talks to some Chinese girls and gets his photo taken with them too.  I'm actually genuinely impressed: he's been learning the language for less than two years and comes across as quite fluent.  They certainly understand him without hesitation.

We come down the mountain on the cable cars, but get off for the last part.  There we hire so-called "Trotti Bikes" which are bike/scooters, without pedals but with brakes.  I should have added a challenge "Don't fall off the Trotti Bike" because when I shout to Ste that's he's going too fast, he does an emergency stop and goes flying over the handlebars.  Fortunately he's okay :S

Challenge 3 has been all set up by me and is much too easy.  It is "Get a photo with a husky".  We go to a husky lodge where 30 working dogs spend their summers.  You can visit for the afternoon, learn about the dogs, and then take one of them on a trek in the valley.  When you get back you feed them.  We're both dead excited about this: we both love dogs.

You'll note that challenge 3 does not actually specify that you have to snog one of the huskies.  This appears to pass Ste by.  Being in an enclosure with 30 adult dogs howling and playing is actually quite odd, even for dog lovers.  They really do resemble wolves and I'm a tad freaked out.  I wouldn't recommend this for anyone who isn't a real dog lover that's for sure.

For the trek, you have on dog attached to you by a harness around your waist.  I'm 13.5 stone and my husky (Nando) was yanking me along very effectively up and down the mountain paths.  Ste is lighter than me, and his husky (Kodiak) had even more psychopathic tendencies.  He was also a "lead dog" on the sleigh.  That meant he couldn't stand being at the back and kept hurtling forward, pulling Ste through bushes and streams.  Well... I giggled anyway.  There were 5 of us on the trek, each with our own husky.

This evening, back in Engelberg, as we pick the stones and thorns out of our hair, we get Challenges  4 and 5 out of the way.  They are "Yodel on a Mountain Side" and "Eat Swiss Fondue".  Ste manages to yodel whilst stuffing the fondue at roughly the same time.  It is an exquisite setting: outside, up on a mountain, with no other guests, ringed by snow covered caps.  To end "Husky Day" I've bought a cuddly husky and left him on Ste's pillow as a surprise and a reminder of one of the most perfect days imaginable.  We name him after the bastard who rearranged Ste's vertebrae for him: Kodiak <3

Next it's up north, towards Alsace.  We have a quick obligatory look round Lucerne, the Lion Monument etc, and cross the German border into the Black Forest.  Cuckoo Clocks come from here by the way, not Switzerland!

Challenge 6 is "Survive a Summer Bob Sleigh Run".  I know Ste doesn't like heights, so this is a biggie.  The chair lifts going up are much more worrying than the enclosed gondolas of the ones on Mount Titlis.  You can see from the pic he's not looking too happy.  You go up on the chair lift, and then down on a bobsleigh, which sits on a rail.  You brake and accelerate yourself.  The hill you go up, the Hasenhorn, is just short of Ben Nevis' height, and the run is 2.9 km long.  Brilliant fun!  And he survived.

At this point we're a bit over the driving for today.  It's really hot, and the plan was to head to Alsace, where Challenge 7 awaits.  It is "Smooth an Alsatian (preferably a dog, but failing that a person)".  However, we pass a camping site directly on the beautiful Titisee in the Black Forest and decide to ditch Alsace in favour of this.  We're just enjoying a cold beer and what should appear?  Well good question, but it's probably not an Alsatian.  It's a mutt, but it's close enough.  It has to be at least 10% Alsatian, anyway.  Ste goes up and pretends he thinks it's lovely and asks for a picture.  The bemused human with it (not its owner and probably wise enough to realise it's objectively a bit of an ugly mutt) says "Ja".

Challenge 7, done! [kinda, and bonus: we didn't get arrested for stroking some random French person in Alsace]

If you're observant you'll notice that Ste is sopping wet.  That's because the Titisee is a lake.  I've no idea why it's called Titisee, or indeed why the non-related mountain in Switzerland is called Titlis.  All I'll say is that they're as assuming to a German ear as an English one. Tits everywhere. 

Challenge 8 is "Swim in a Mountain Lake".  Done!  We spend the afternoon splashing round in it, having hired a pedal boat.  Bliss.  As Ste is such an unashamed poser and such a pretty boy, I thought I'd steal this pic from his Instagram and add some more tits into the mix.

Now, Challenge 9 is a biggie.  It's "Order, in German, and eat Black Forest Gateau".  Ste doesn't speak German, and is a tad shy, so he's been practising this for a couple of days.  A suitably humourless Swabian waitress adds to the stress.  Nonetheless, I have video proof of his completing this one successfully! (If the video below doesn't work on your browser, this YouTube link should.) Adorable.  The rest of the evening is spent at at outdoor festival and playing mini-golf.

It's Sunday morning and we are heading north.  Before we leave the Black Forest, we noticed a huge water adventure park (Bade Paradies, Titisee) and think of going for another swim.  What we hadn't seen was that the park is divided in two: one half is a pool with all the slides.  The other is a massive lagoon, heated to 33C and surrounded by 180 real palm trees.  There's a huge sliding roof, a bar in the water, and multiple whirl pools, you can swim to a pool outside and lie in the sun half in the water, looking at the forest.  Best of all: no under 16s admitted.  We both think we've died and gone to heaven.  We have a breakfast there of croissant, sparkling wine, yoghurt and more Black Forest Gateau for good measure, before driving up to Rothenburg ob der Tauber, in northern Franconia, our next stop.

On the way we encounter a driver on the Autobahn who tailgates at 110 mph, tries to overtake on the inside three times, and generally drives like an utter pig.  Never has a number plate been more coincidentally fitting to a style of driving (the picture was taken by Ste whilst we were stopped).  I later tweet this and one of my followers tells me he remembers experiencing the same car and number and had the identical thought!

Rothenburg is the medieval walled town that features in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  It's absurdly picturesque and it's known amongst other things for its pastry balls that are called "Snow Balls".  This is fortunate because Ste forgot to eat a snow ball whilst in Switzerland.  That's Challenge 10 and is easily rectified.  I didn't even need to point them out everywhere there in the shop windows: he was probably going to stuff his chops anyway.  Perfect.

Here's the obligatory photo of Ste by the Plönlein: the most photographed spot in the town.  We also went on the Nightwatchman tour which is great fun (and a rarity: completely historically accurate).  The Nightwatchman said English visitors are "very rare" which is a shame.  Americans and Germans have been coming here since the early 1900s and the Japanese also love the place.  It's not overrun by any means and really is worth a visit if you want picture-perfect postcard Germany as you've always imagined it.

Did I mention the town is surrounded by a medieval wall?  Challenge 11 is "Moon on a medieval wall".  Parental discretion is advised for the below photo, as well as a quick cultural note about Scousers.  Having gone out with one for coming up to a year and a half, I've noticed that they may be shy about ordering cake in German, but if you suggest that they should moon, their pants are down in a shot :o

Given that our "camping trip" ended up consisting of 7 nights spent in hotels and 2 in a tent, I feel I ought to provide proof that we did actually sleep in a tent for part of it.  I love camping and I think even Ste will admit it wasn't that bad.  A proper blow up mattress, Egyptian cotton sheets, duck down duvets and comfy pillows help the experience.  So does having a cuddly husky called Kodiak.

Before we leave Rothenburg we have Challenge 12 to tick off.  It was "Find Ice Cream Pizza or Spaghetti Ice Cream".  The Germans are kinda odd when it comes to novelty ice creams.  I've never seen the creations they come up with else where.  We couldn't find a pizza, but the "Spaghetti Eis" was easy.  Vanilla ice cream is put through a machine and then strawberry sauce is added as "Bolognaise" with white ice cream flakes for "Parmesan".

A swift journey up the Autobahn brings us to to my beloved Netherlands next.  I lived in Amsterdam, studied Dutch at University, and it's as much home to me as England or Germany are.  I can't wait to share Amsterdam with Ste, who has never been.  We stay at the lovely Art Deco American Hotel on Leidseplein.  It's conveniently close to the Vondelpark, which is one of Ste's challenges.  Challenge 13 is "Fondle in Vondelpark".  There's zero question about he's going to have to fondle, and it won't be Kodiak.  I volunteer!

The first night is taken eating an Indonesian Vegetarian Rijstafel (Challenge 14 is "Find us a lovely Indonesian restaurant to stuff our faces".  Indonesian remains my favourite food on earth.  Why do so many of our challenges involve food, by the way?  Hmm... oh yes, because I set them.  They bring out a whole platter of delicious dishes that you share.  Sorry the pic is a bit crap, we were too busy consuming our own body weights in food.  We then roll onto a canal boat tour for one and a half hours of looking at magnificent Amsterdam from the water.

The following day is a bit of a haze.  Here's me on a bridge on a canal in the morning, but we must've eaten something funny because I can't remember much more of the day's events >.<

Fully recovered, we meet lovely @Amwii the following day, who has come up to visit us for a trip round the Dutch countryside.  She's my Twitter Twin, having been born on the same day and same year as me.  If you don't follow her on Twitter, you should.  She's the best.  We do now have a lot of challenges to get through, as time is running out.  We do have time to stop for a photograph next to a windmill but the clock is ticking!

First off we visit Edam where Challenge 15 is straight forward enough: "Eat Edam in Edam".  Did you know that Edam is on the only cheese that's made backwards? 

In fact we visit a cheese factory.  God I love all this ticky-tacky tourist shit.  Ste does too, and squees "Clogs and Cheese" when he sees a sign for the place.  The clogs are handy, because Challenge 16 is "Try on some clogs".  Ste goes for a rather oversized pair.  Okay his feet are like flippers, but even they are a bit small for these.

Challenge 17 is "Get photographs taken dressed as Dutch Cheese Girls".  Ste finds a place that does this in Volendam.  Amwii joins us.  The result is, as I'm sure you'll agree, utterly magnificent.  Ste's stubble contributes particularly well to the overall effect.  We each have an original of the photo, should we ever need to engage in blackmail, bribery or underhand behaviour of any other variety towards each other.

We also go drive through Monnickendam and visit the fishing village of Marken.  Here's one of my favourite photos of the whole trip: me and Ste enjoying a beer in the sunshine there (photo by Amwii).  Such good times.

Challenge 18 could be a toughie, but there's no stopping Fierce Scouser Ste after he's had 250 ml of beer! It's "Milk a cow".  She didn't even flinch.

We leave Amsterdam and Amwii behind, having had a gorgeous Italian meal in a canal side restaurant and a few more drinks, the following morning.  Our penultimate stop is De Efteling, the big Dutch amusement park.  It is a real scream (well I screamed repeatedly anyway), made all the more amusing when one of the water rides soaks Ste and it looks like he's wet himself.

Challenge 19 is "Scream upside down on a ride at a fun fair".  You might be able to tell I created the challenges before the trip, having a good idea where we were going.  If the route had changed, we'd have had to have found another park.  As it was, Efteling allowed the perfect opportunity.  I couldn't photograph it at the time, but here is Ste doing a chillingly accurate post-event reconstruction.  He could be a Hollywood actor.

Finally, we head on to Bruges in Belgium.. but we have one challenge outstanding.  Ste has been in to about 8 bakeries and shops in Amsterdam trying to fulfill it.  Challenge 20 is "Find and photograph a slagroomtaart".  Slagroom is the Dutch for "whipped cream", and slagroomtaart is "whipped cream cake".  Its name has, for obvious reasons, given it legendary status amongst English people such as us, who have the emotional maturity of 4 year olds.

We trawl the streets of Bruges and finally come across this in a window: slagroomtruffels! Ste takes a picture.  Is it enough?  Given the sterling effort Ste has done on ALL his other challenges (with the possibly exception of smoothing the Alsatian) , I'm prepared to award him 19.75 marks out of 20.
There's only one solution: we'll have to go on another #roadtwip next year to see if he can manage 20 out of 20 next time...

Anyway, here's us on our last evening in Bruges, all challenges nearly done.  He wanted "activities" on this holiday: I hope I provided enough of them.  I detect a distinct change in his expression from his slightly dubious look in Dover at the outset.  For me, the whole thing really was a dream.  Dream boyfriend, dream car, and dream destinations.  Talk about being blessed.

On 26 July at 5pm I drop Ste off at Euston for him to train it back home to Liverpool.  We've clocked up 2155.6 miles in 10 days.  It has been the most amazing trip.  Thank you to him for being the best travel companion imaginable, and thanks to you if you've made it this far reading.  It has been a pleasure making this permanent record of the trip, and sharing it with you :-)