Kirkjufell

Kirkjufell on a sunny Sunday : )

I mentioned recently on my facebook page that I don't have a fancy camera, just a 14mp pink compact Lumix and my iPhone 5.

Well, the iPhone, which I'd been using more often for conveniences'-sake, has been absconded by house-elves (in Icelandic búálfar - like in that movie The Borrowers) so on our recent trip to Snæfellsnes I only had my Lumix.

I have to say, though, that after all the HDR and ultra-saturation, all the sharpen and define and added contrast available via basic photo apps these
days, it's refreshing to see the soft, easy glow from a simpler camera, albeit one with fairly high pixel count for its time (I think mine is a 2011 model). Still not at all like real film, but closer. And sometimes, what you see with your true eyes isn't crazy sharp, ultra vivid landscapes and scenes, but a more gentle overall atmosphere, an ambiance, that crispy images can't describe. I guess it's why the filter craze took hold a few years back - people were trying to give a normal, clearly defined and too-true-color image some feeling, some heart. It was us pre-80's kids trying to go back to the film era, where you had to wait a few long days (before same-day developing) to see what you'd managed to get with your instamatic. And for the younger set, like my daughter who was born in '97, filters added that old-timey retro feel of the photos found in shoeboxes in attics and garages, blurred maybe, fading, images that would be deleted today, but were maybe the only decent ones from a certain moment in time, or of a person otherwise long gone.

So my Lumix gives a certain relaxed feel to the photos it takes (with my help) and in this instance, actually registers the fact that there was a very gentle haze in the air, the remnants of the morning fog that literally shrouded all of Kirkjufell until burning off into wispy clouds just as we got up close enough to take this photo.

I'm bummed about my missing phone - poor lost thing! - but I'm happy that I've rediscovered my other camera, and am getting images like this one, almost totally unretouched. As an added bonus, I'm spending much less time poking at a gadget when I have a few free minutes (and even when I actually really don't) and am looking up instead of looking down, and I'm witnessing the sky and the sights and the passers-by, in true color, less than vivid, almost as if I'm in a very realistic dream.

Fog

An house now inhabited by geese on the northern shore of Seyðisfjörður

We've been away traveling quite a bit, and just got back into 101 from Seyðisfjörður, an absolute gem of a town with stunning waterfalls and craggy, intrepid mountains everywhere you look. We tented again and this time enjoyed warm, sunny and windless skies, which was welcomed after the dreary stuff we've had to accept in the capital region this summer (to be fair, of course, we are in the North Atlantic, just under the Arctic Circle, and this place is called Iceland...why do the locals always complain about the weather?)

On the day I took this shot, though, a thick fog settled into the valley and dropped rain, which meant a good opportunity to don our rain boots and go adventuring along the north side of the fjörður (fjord.) It's an especially quiet and eerie place, populated only by animals (as far as we could see) who seemed to literally own the land. The horses that came up to greet us seemed to be scrutinizing us for the whole herd, eventually giving us a green light to move along. Sheep were especially lazy about getting off of the road, and there was even a bit of trouble with a gaggle of calico-styled geese determined not to let us pass.

This house in particular was home to a peculiar pair of geese, chocolate brown in color with white throats (you can see one on the right-hand side of the photo.) I saw them from the road and couldn't figure out what kind of bird they were...too dark to be geese, but too big to be ducks. I fancied that maybe I'd discovered long-lost living members of the extinct Dodo bird, or Great Auk, family, and that Iceland could now be redeemed for having killed off the last of that grand, harmless species. I got out of the car, and once again got the feeling that I should have called ahead to announce my intended visit: the birds seemed non-plussed with me, and even a bit irritated at my trespass on to their property. But up close I saw that they were definitely geese, and that they seemed to guard over a family of the classic-grey variety. I asked to take a few photos, then politely said my goodbyes and moved along...

China Reflections

I'm back from an amazing ten days in Beijing and wanted to put my thoughts down both on what I did and saw, and my general impressions of China.  So here goes...

I <3 BJ

China Knowledge

The first thing to say is this isn't my first experience of the place, although it was my first time in Beijing.  I'm by no means an "expert", but I lived in Hong Kong for 2 years as a child, visited Shanghai more recently, have been involved with a work venture with China (my business partner owns a consultancy business in Beijing), I wrote a 200 page study on Chinese educational travel AND my boyfriend Ste is doing a degree in Chinese.  He's therefore taught me loads about the place.  Oh, I also had a panda teddy when I was 3.  Therefore this post is not entirely ill-informed bollocks.  Just mostly.
What was I doing there?

It was Ste's 21st birthday.  So let's get the cutesy stuff out of the way.  It was so ridiculously, amazingly lovely to see him.  My last blog post, written whilst somewhat tipsy the night before I went, gives some indication of how much I was looking forward to going after a 2 month gap of not being together.  It was every bit as wonderful as I'd hoped.

Katie, Andrew, Ste, Momma Ste, Rocky on our way to the Wall

I was there for 2 days that overlapped with his Mum, brother, brother's girlfriend and his best friend Rocky.  On his actual birthday, when we drove an hour out of Beijing to visit the Great Wall at a place where Chinese, rather than Westerners, tend to go.  In the evening we went for a boat ride on a lake in a traditional part of town called Houhai.

Official 21st birthday photo

Ste was telling me he prefers to have actual "things" than to spend money on travelling or experiences because they're just temporary and pass.  I'm not sure I agree.  You can spend money on a lovely coat or pair of shoes, but will you remember them when you're 80?  I think Ste will remember his 21st birthday by contrast, even if was "temporary and passed".  What an amazing, priceless memory he now has for life of that beautiful, sunny day.   Ste and I had then had 8 days together to hang out, do some touristy stuff and general stuff our faces on our own.

Chinese Politics

The way matters are reported in the West is a little bit like a scratched record.  No story misses the opportunity to portray China in some way as a systematic abuser of human rights: a force of sinister oppression.   We love doing it: there's also some subtle little reminder, just in case we'd forgotten how evil they are, for example in recent BBC reporting on the Third Plenum.

I remember the killings of students in Tiananmen Square in 1989 vividly as they happened.  My constitutional law supervisor at university had a poster on his wall of the tanks and the words "we will never forget you".  I swore never to visit the country until the Communist Party had relinquished its reign of terror.  Let's be clear, the government of the People's Republic of China has done some terrible things in its time.  There's no denying that, and I don't intend to.  If we just take a small example: the 11th reincarnation of the Pashen Laama was named by the Dalai Lama in May 1995: a little 6 year old Tibetan boy.  The Chinese government wanted their own stooge instead, so they appointed him and kidnapped the original boy 3 days after his naming.  He hasn't been seen since and is the "youngest political prisoner in the world".  This is outrageous shit and goes way beyond run of the mill human rights abuses: it's highly inventive if nothing else.

Missing now for 18 years, and 6 months

I do think the situation is a little more nuanced than we like to make out, though.  That deserves some reflection - but if you'd rather just feel all smug, superior and revel in how much better "we" are than them, just skip the next three sections!

Food for Thought

China's recent history (the last 150 years) includes the most brutal experiences of hunger, civil war, foreign invasion, gross political instability and mass famine.  Even in the past few decades tens of millions have starved to death in the country, leading to repeated outbreaks of cannibalism.  The Communist government's Great Leap Forward (1958) led to up to 43 million deaths.  As many as 70 million may have died in total under Chairman Mao's leadership, placing him ahead of both Hitler and Stalin combined, and securing his place as the foremost practitioner of democide in world history.  From our comfy Western perspectives, we can literally have no comprehension of the effect of all this on the contemporary Chinese psyche.  The traditional Chinese greeting (from before Mao's time) is actually "Did you eat yet?" - which speaks volumes.

There is therefore a desperate twin desire for stability and for economic growth.  This the government has achieved with amazing success since Mao's death.  In 1981, some 85% of the vast Chinese population lived in absolute poverty.  This doesn't mean the inability to buy consumer goods: it means the ability to provide a sustenance level of 1000 calories per day to avoid starving to death.  By 2008 this had fallen to just 13%.  Well over 600 million people have been brought out of starvation level poverty during this time as a direct result of the Chinese government's policies.  This quote is taken from a report based on World Bank data that makes very interesting reading:

Look at that second bullet point: "China accounts for nearly all the world's reduction in poverty" and think about it for a moment.  China executes around 4000 people a year (followed in global rankings for state murder directly by the US).  It censors its press.  Political dissenters are clamped down on and often held without trial.  The government thinks it okay to kidnap an innocent 6 year old Tibetan boy.  The internet is monitored and you can't access Twitter.  But not starving painfully to death is also the most basic of human rights.  It is incredibly rare in the West to hear the success of the government in this area even being even mentioned.

Parts of China (particularly in the west) are still pitifully poor by our standards, and apparently resemble parts of Africa in terms of deprivation and development.  There is the most enormous gulf in wealth between them and the bright lights of rich, developed Shanghai or Beijing.  It is like two separate countries in one: one in the first world, and one in the third world.

However, hundreds of millions of people are no longer at risk of famine and death in the poor part, and the economy is ever growing.  So much so, in fact, China has overtaken both Germany and Japan in the size of its economic output, and by some estimates it will have overtaken the US by as soon as 2016.

Modern Day China: a typical view in prosperous Beijing

Given a choice would you choose proper trials and a free press, or prevention of starvation?  I'd like both actually, but I'm not prepared to get on my high horse about the former, without so much as acknowledging the latter. 

Oppressive or Popular Government?

We somehow assume that no one could support a regime that does what the Chinese one does in terms of human rights and that everyone must live in fear of the oppressive government.  I expected Police everywhere, and miserable faces.  This could not have been further from the truth.  It was actually a breath of fresh air after London not to be monitored on CCTV constantly.  The Chinese immigration officers were lovely, in total contrast to the horrendous officious and aggressive UK Border Force.  I wasn't even asked for return tickets: there were just smiles and pleasantness.  It wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

Indeed, I barely saw any Police during my visit.  I felt safe everywhere and wasn't on my guard constantly for petty crime as I sometimes am, even in places like Paris.  After my trip I found out some fascinating statistics on rates of incarceration in various countries.  China locks up 121 people per 100,000 of population.  In Sweden it's 67, in Germany it's 80 and in the UK it's 147 (i.e. more than China, in our case).  That beacon of global democracy, the USA tops the table at a staggering 716 people per 100,000. 

I'm reminded of the fascinating diary, A Woman in Berlin, which was written by a German journalist on her experiences at the end of the War.  There's a reflection in there on her visits to the Soviet Union in the 30s, her stays in Britain, and life under the Nazis.  She herself was a liberal and believer in democracy. Under which system were the bulk of people happier, she asked herself?  They were equally happy, or miserable, wherever they were: they just had different concerns, was her conclusion.

I'm of course well aware that had I been handing out political leaflets, my experience of China would have been very different to that of a person visiting his boyfriend for a holiday.  If you're someone who wants to introduce democracy in China, you're in for a rough ride and your life will probably be not be pleasant.  If you want a job, food, money and to get on with your life, with a genuine belief that the government has your best interests in mind, things will occur very differently.  It was my experience that people on the street in prosperous Beijing seem happy, with many smiling faces.  A miserable, fearful society, it really didn't come across as.

People dancing in public near our hotel: a common sight

Delving into this a bit further, like it or not, surveys do indeed suggest that there is great trust and support for the communist central government, the system, and its way of doing things.  Repeated surveys have shown that the Chinese system is actually equally, or more popular, amongst the population than governments in Western democracies, with support ratings in excess of 80%.  This article provides some good analysis on that point.  Don't write it off as being people being scared to say what they really think or censorship and a lack of understanding or discussion of the issues, as the piece explains.  It should also be said that there is much wider dissatisfaction with local government, and riots regularly occur across the country, which are then hushed up.

The massive success in providing stability, food, jobs, and the new found wealth of the urban centres in the eastern part of the country, are key to support for and the popularity of the central government and system.   The government is incredibly sensitive to political opinion and knows that its existence relies on continuing to "provide the goods".  It is incredibly fearful of dissent and for that reason clamps down so disproportionally on those who agitate against it and who are regarded as a threat.  It does however listen, and when pollution becomes a source of political unhappiness and comment, actions are taken to quell the problem.

Our Right to Lecture

All this being the case... again, who are we to wade in and lecture, with our insistence on our values, system and standards being imposed?  If the Chinese people want change, this will happen in time.  They are not stupid people, with no voice.  Political comment does occur widely on the internet, but on the whole the bulk of the population is happy with where things currently are.  China has come rapidly from nowhere.  It has been through a process of industrialisation that took us 160 years, in a space of 30 years.  Political change will inevitably follow, but it really isn't for us to dictate how and when that happens.

I therefore honestly don't think we need the snide little comments such as the BBC throwing in the fact that  "political reform was not on the agenda" at the Third Plenum: it was never going to be.  It shows, in my view, a possibly deliberate lack of understanding and an inbuilt arrogance that our system is the superior and the only way of running a country.  As I said before, it's a scratched record whose only purpose is, I imagine, to make us feel superior in some way.

Look out for smiling faces next time you're commuting into London, and then consider our satisfaction with our democratically elected government.  China's record on broader human rights is without question at times horrendously poor, but it has not been involved in invading Afghanistan and Iraq, or indeed any country since Vietnam.  Our democratically elected government has, and the human rights of hundreds of thousands were savaged in those places as a result.  The right to live is the most basic right of all.  It's no wonder the Chinese get a bit fed up of Western judgement and feel people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

In summary, China is dealing with 1.3 billion people, many of whom were quite recently on the edge of death through hunger.  It's hard not to come to the conclusion that despite some the government does a remarkable job of holding this massive country and society together.  The levels of support for the system are again something so rarely touched on over here: I feel to give the whole picture they should be.  So there.  I'll stop lecturing you now if you stop lecturing them :p

What is Beijing Like?

Right, back to some actual holiday reflections.  Beijing is big.  It isn't high and intense like Hong Kong, Shanghai: it's more like a collection of towns that spread over a huge area.  It's more London than New York, I'd say.  It is also prosperous as I've touched on: the cars you see driving round are on the whole more "high end" than here.  There are lots of stretched chauffeur driven cars, and plenty of absurdly expensive models.  There are designer stores all over the place.  It looks as wealthy and developed as plenty of European cities.

That well known American fast food chain

It's weird to see chains you know so well literally all over the place: Costa Coffee, KFC, McDonald's (who deliver on motorbike to your home) and Pizza Hut.  It's a real reminder of how small a place the world is today.  150 years ago you go from one valley to another in Central Europe and there would be a distinct form of local dress.  Nowadays you go to the other side of the world and it's the exact same stuff as here. However, the places I've mentioned don't just do Western food: pizzas are only about 1/5 of the Pizza Hut menu, for example.  The rest is noodles, rice and other dishes that cater to local tastes.  Sometimes places try to be Western and trendy... and erm, it doesn't quite hit the mark.  See the pic above!

Ste in an open air food market.  All very clean indeed.

It's also clean: quite surprisingly so (I remember absolutely filthy parts of HK as a kid).  It's not all modern by any means.  In fact there are loads of Hutong areas with traditional low-rise, old buildings.  People hang out doing things like the woman below.  She randomly turned up outside an old temple, put her music on and started dancing with ribbons.  It was absolutely beautiful to watch.  She was probably about 60. 

Dancing with Ribbons

Both Shanghai and Beijing occurred to me as incredibly capitalist, which might be a strange thing to say given the fact that the country is still ruled by a communist government.  They have long opened the door to private enterprise (at least in the cities) and scrapped basic elements of socialism such as universal healthcare.  The level of individual economic activity can get a bit much: the serenity of beautiful Buddhist temples is ruined by people flogging tacky tourist shit all over the place. It kinda undermines the "do not photograph the statue" signs when there's a stand actually inside the temple selling plastic junk.

Some Comment on the Big Sites

The "big sites" that Ste took me to were the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City,  the New Summer Palace, the Lama temple and Beijing Zoo to see the Pandas.  At times the amount of people visiting, even off-season in November, was oppressive to say the least.  Some Chinese are pretty "self-expressed" (aka loud and bloody annoying) and there aren't too many cultural restrictions on barging your way through, or indeed hawking (making a disgusting gobbing sound and then spitting right in front of you).  I've long realised that's part and parcel of travel though: if you don't like it and want things to be just as at home, stay there.

Doing the Touristy Thing

Some comments on the places we went to follow.  The Great Wall really can't be seen from space.  It's around 5 metres wide, so stop being silly.  It width from the Moon is the same as a human hair viewed from 2 miles away.  Still, it's amazing and one of those places that just takes your breath away to see it real life, it's so familiar from pictures.  It's up there with a very view places in the world, such as the Taj Mahal, Eiffel Tower, Great Pyramids, Sydney Opera House and the Statue of Liberty in terms of iconic value.

The Great Wall stretching out behind us

Tiananmen Square was enormous.  Apparently it can hold 1 million people.  This was the only place I noticed Police, because of the recent attack.  Still they didn't threaten or intimidate: they were just there.  Right next to it was the Forbidden City, which is enormous and unfolded square after square.  It was really impressive, though full and quite tiring to get through.  Most parts are beautifully kept and restored: others need a bit of care.

Ste and I being culturally sensitive as ever >.<

Beijing Zoo should probably better be called "Beijing Animal Prison".  It does great work in terms of Panda conservation, but it's a horrible, ageing, nasty place.  I really didn't like it or the way many of the animals were kept.  The Pandas had the best amount of space and there 5 of them.  They're mega cute and have 5 digits plus an extra bone that works like a thumb, so they can munch on their bamboo.  Bonus fact: they crap 40 times a day.

The New Summer Palace is an interesting one.  It isn't actually a palace: it's a set of buildings in an enormous park beside a massive man-made lake.  The huge hill next to the lake is a result of digging out the lake.  I bet you're thinking: hold on, didn't we burn the place down?  Well yes: it's a reconstruction, but in fact the original buildings were only around 100 years old when 3500 British and French soldiers torched them in 1860.  The fact that we did so is emblazoned on literally every information sign on every building that you visit.  You get a bit tired of it the 29th time you read it, and start perceiving it as a bit unnecessarily aggressive.  Apparently it still deeply hurts the Chinese that this happened.

At the most beautiful garden in the Summer Palace

You then do a bit more research and find out why the "Anglo-French forces" did so.  It wasn't purely a case of out of context cultural vandalism.  20 Western hostages including diplomats and the Times correspondent had been kidnapped on the orders of the Empress Cixi.  She was a vicious despotic piece of work, who had a habit of having her son's concubines thrown wells and killed.  The kidnap victims were then ritually executed by "slow-slicing".  That's carefully chopping portions of their limbs off bit by bit, and applying ligatures so they didn't bleed to death, but experienced death over a space of hours.  When their bodies were returned, they were unrecognisable. Empress Cixi's favourite hang-out was the Summer Palace (which of course was out of bounds to any normal Chinese).  Lord Elgin (the marble thief's son) therefore ordered the place torched as retaliation and to warn her not to do this trick again.  He could have rounded up 2000 Chinese and killed them: it wouldn't have bothered her, but this really did.  She spent the following decades rebuilding the place exactly as it was.  Oddly this background isn't ever explained in Beijing.  It throws a slightly different light on matters to know the context, even if it doesn't justify the actions.

Time for a pose: all this thinking about history is a bit *deep*

The Lama temple is actually a collection of beautiful Buddhist temples.  It is far more delicate, spiritual and intimate than the Forbidden City as a place to visit.  People are actually praying and burning incense and it's far less crowded.  I loved it.  Ste was furious that there were no actual Llamas there and said he won't be going back.

Pollution, Veggie Food, and Getting Around

Every photo you see of Beijing in the Western media seems to show it in some dreadful state of smog.  I know from friends who live there that is true for large parts of the year.  But in autumn the air clears and it's beautiful and sunny.  It's very dry air and at this time of year the temperature is dropping rapidly.  It was 17C by day when I was there, 0C by night.  Already a week later it's 9C by day and -4C by night.  I visited at just the right time.  You can expect -20C in winter.

Mutant Ninja Turtle Ste

You see people wandering round with face masks on all over the place.  Ste has one.  Of course his is a designer version.  He didn't actually wear it when he was with me: he's just posing.  Cos that's what we do.

Veggie food is a bit of a nightmare in Beijing.  So much for them having a long Buddhist influence.  I saw one menu with Grilled Lamb Ribs, Grilled Lamb Kidneys, Grilled Treasure (?!?), Grilled Bovine Plate Gluten, Grilled Chicken Gristle, Grilled Chicken Heart and Knee Cartilage on it. Oh yum.  We saw live scorpions on sticks on sale in a food market and this poor thing.  I think it was a turtle, I'm not sure.

It seems the Chinese will eat almost anything.  Given we throw away huge parts of the animal and it's wasted, if you have to eat animals, I guess that's a good thing.  As a vegetarian it's a bit stomach turning though.  So are the few veggie restaurants I found: they were weird buffet things and looked completely unappealing.

At Pure Lotus. Complete bliss.

The one exception was the incredible PURE LOTUS restaurant that my best pal Dominic told us to go to.  It's run by Buddhist monks and is one of the top places in the city to eat, even for omnivores. We each had an 11 course vegan meal.  I've no idea what most of it was, but it was beyond delicious (and heinously expensive too, at £150 with no booze).  Fortunately amazingly generous Dominic said he'd pay as a gift for Ste's 21st.  Thanks, Dom x

Alas the list of things that get eaten in China does include dogs and cats.  There are posters out from animal charities though, such as the below, with a caption that apparently says "do you really want to eat this?".  Note the chopsticks.

Don't eat cats. [Or any animal, Ed.]

Getting round on the metro is incredibly easy, and cheap.  All the signs are in English, the network covers a vast area, it's incredibly clean, modern, and tickets are 20p a ride.  Take note, Boris, you thieving bastard.  Trains come every 2 minutes during rush hour, which is just as well, because that's the only time it's no so much fun.  The concept of a queue really is a bit of a foreign one, and it's every person and their elbows for themselves.

Enjoying the Rush Hour Scramble

Taxis won't generally stop for Westerners, because the drivers can't speak English.  This is annoying when your boyfriend is doing a degree in Chinese and already completely fluent in the language, including the local accent.  They don't know that though, so we had to rely on the metro most times.  The taxis also don't have seat belts and they drive like they've taken rather a lot of hallucinogenic drugs, so I was quite happy with this, all in all.

Well there we go with my MEGA-BLOG on China.  I loved it, all in all.  I'm back out in Beijing in April for another extended visit, and am hoping to get out of the capital and do some day trips next time.  Ste and I have a tradition now of dressing up for stupid photographs and making complete arses of ourselves.  I'll therefore end on our attempt at being dual Emperors - yellow is the Imperial colour and it was reserved just for them.  Many thanks for reading!

Don't we have silly hats on?

Oktoberfest!

It's that time of year again... September.  So let's talk about the Oktoberfest.  Yep, Oktoberfest is puzzlingly already on its second weekend over there in Munich, the capital of Bavaria.  Here's everything you need to know about it.  Grab a beer and enjoy...

Check out the heels - and the dainty beer mug. On their way to Oktoberfest.

It begins in September

That's the first thing to note about this, the world's biggest party.  A little like May Week, which takes place in Cambridge in June, there at first doesn't seem too much logic to this.  The celebrations date back over 200 years to when Crown Prince Ludwig of Bavaria married his bride Therese in Munich on 12 October 1810.

Ludwig later became King and abdicated after a toe-sucking scandal with an exotic dancer called Lola Montez (real name Eliza Gilbert from County Sligo in Ireland).  This caused a revolution - but that's another story.  Ludwig I is not to be confused with his slightly odd, castle-building grandson Ludwig II.  He definitely wasn't into sucking women's toes and I like to call him a "Queen amongst Kings"- click on the link if you want to learn about him in another of my posts.

Anyway, back to Ludwig I's wedding.  This is Bavaria and they like a good party.  25% of the world's entire beer production comes from this one southern German state - there are 1600 breweries here.  The average Bavarian drinks 46.5 gallons of beer a year, so they make a good dent in the beer production before they even get round to exporting it.  Beer is actually known as "liquid bread" and is classed as a food-stuff.  It's strictly brewed according to the purity law of 1516.  This says that only water, barley and hops are allowed as ingredients.

Although sometimes much stronger than American, Australian or British stuff, it tends to give you less of a hangover.  Apparently.  Can't stand the stuff personally ;-)

Bier macht stark (beer makes you strong)

So they had a massive piss-up in 1810, and it was so much fun they decided to repeat it the following year.  And again, and again - right up through until today.  Apart from 24 years that were missed because of cholera outbreaks, hyper-inflation or war, it's been held every year.  This year is therefore the 180th Oktoberfest.

It can get cold in Bavaria at this time of year, however, and the story goes that one year it snowed, ruining the fun.  You just try standing round in Lederhosen with snow blowing up your boxers.  No one likes a cold sausage.

Therefore they moved the beginning of the party back to September - it generally lasts 16 days and always ends on the first Sunday of October (subject to some funny rules about the Sunday falling on German Unification Day on 3 October.  Most people are too shit-faced to understand them, so don't worry too much about this aspect).

What is it? It's a HUGE party

As I mentioned it's the world's biggest party.  A huge part of town is set aside for the festivities, though in reality the whole city of 1.4 million is transformed into a massive beer drinking zone.  You need to book early: hotels book up 6 months in advance and they often double their prices.  People come from all over the world to join in.  Around 6 million people come to the Oktoberfest and they drink around 7 million litres of beer.  There are soft drinks on sale too, but pretty much no other alcoholic drinks.  It's ALL about beer.

It's not just about getting drunk though: there are lots of fairground rides and lots of food eating.  Being dangled upside down on a roller coaster when you've got half an ox and several litres of strong Bavarian beer inside you is just what the doctor (didn't) order, I guess.

Levitating Lederhosen and Flying Bavarian Balconies

The beer is expensive, by usual German standards, at around €8.50 a glass.  It's served in 1 litre glasses, and it's strong at 5.8-6.3%.  That's £7.10 for a two-pint glass, so £3.55 a pint.  You will literally see waiters and waitresses carrying 6 or 8 of these things in their arms in one go.  Beer clearly makes you strong!

It's not actually called Oktoberfest

Well it is and it isn't.  That's the official name.  All the locals actually call it "die Wiesn" which means "the meadows" in Bavarian dialect.  Wiesn is derived from the name of the place where all the big beer tents are set up: the Theresienwiese.  It's a 42 hectare (104 acre) site with 14 massive tents that hold literally thousands of people each.

The party is worth an estimated €1.1 billion to the local economy.   Here's a clever little thing: only breweries that produce beer within the city limits of Munich are allowed to take part.  That means 7 of them in total, who would ordinarily have shifted production to cheaper sites outside the city.  They don't, however, because of the value of beer sales and the prestige of taking part in Oktoberfest- thereby keeping employment in town.  The huge copper vats of the breweries can be seen all round the city as a result.

Inside the Löwenbräu Tent at Oktoberfest

There are, of course, copies of Oktoberfest around the world, particularly in the US.  German immigrants brought the tradition with them.  Here in the UK I heard of one in Southsea in Hampshire, which included both the serving of wine AND ferret racing...  *shudder*.  You just can't trust the English with serious stuff like this.

Atmosphere

The atmosphere is just brilliant.  I've been once and I can't describe what a great time I had.  It isn't some testosterone laden lads' drinking fest.  The latest figures show women made up 49% of visitors.  6% of visitors were families with children under 14 years old.  People tend to get very merry, but not obnoxiously drunk.  The whole city seems to stop for the party and people will greet you with smiles and laughter on the street.  It's not at all unusual to bump into a group of sozzled grannies.  It is simply wunderbar. 

A party for everyone in modern day multi-cultural Germany

Inside the tents you have thousands of people drinking, chatting, eating and listening to the cheesy oompah bands, who will often play contemporary pop songs too.  Everyone is out to have a good time and the usual barriers about not talking to strangers don't apply.  It's unique and it's lovely.

Last orders in the tents are at 10.30pm so it's not a late night thing.  Sure, other places are open later, but given the tents start serving beer at 9am (or earlier) there's more than enough time to get merry.

Lederhosen and Dirndl

Thousands of people wear Lederhosen or Dirndl to the Oktoberfest.  These are the traditional peasants' clothes that belong to Southern Germany and particularly Austria (not originally Switzerland).  They had died out for a while after the War, but a little recognised fact is that the gay community of Munich is largely responsible for bringing them back to popularity from the early 90s onwards. 

My pal @FionaLaird looking stunning in her Dirndl

Gays of course tend to be ahead of the curve, and the wearing of Lederhosen and Dirndl is now absolutely huge.  Even the German Press has been commenting on it regarding this year's celebrations.  'Tracht is everywhere".  The clothes have totally lost their slightly dodgy nationalist/ conservative association, and instead are recognised as the incredibly flattering, colourful and fun local dress that they are.

The photo at the beginning of this post shows how Dirndl can be made contemporary by wearing killer heels, instead of the flat shoes that formed part of the original peasant dress.  Or Fiona shows here how good they can look with a pair of slinky boots.

Bavarian Balcony, complete with floral decoration

Together the Lederhosen and Dirndl outfits are called "Tracht" in German.  Dirndl pull in the waist, push up the boobs to create the cleavage of the famous "Bavarian Balcony" (often decorated with flowers, I jest not!), hide the backside, and just look great.  As for Lederhosen, I'll come on to their attraction, and powers of attraction, in a moment...

Tracht tends to be worn on special occasions, but you'll see real life people, particularly younger ones, out in them at any time of year on the streets of Munich, Salzburg or in any number of smaller places.  Lederhosen in particular are often worn for a hike in the mountains.  As Benjamin below noted on a recent trip to Austria, they actually are a thing.

You will even find Tracht on sale in Northern Germany nowadays.  Prince Bismarck, the great 19th century Prussian chancellor and all-round reactionary, grumpy, old bastard apparently jokingly described the Bavarians as "half Austrian and half human" (think about it).  He'd have been spinning in his grave to know that department stores in central Berlin now stock the sexy leather trousers worn only in his time by mountain lads down south.

Despite being (properly) half-Prussian myself, I'm extremely happy to say that I own my own pair of Lederhosen and love wearing them when I'm in Southern Germany or Austria.  I've even worn them in London in fact, a couple of times.

I'm also proud to say that a highlight of my sad, tragic life to date was when a group of Abercrombie & Fitch models with abs you could grate cheese on chased me down a street in Munich last October and asked me for a photo.  Yup, you've got that right - they usually get asked all day long for photos of them - they asked me instead and dragged me back to the store especially for it.

No.. I didn't photoshop myself onto this, as much as it might look like it

Take that Bismarck: the (pulling) power of Lederhosen, you see!

Gay Oktoberfest

Since the 1970s there's been a special part of the celebrations organised by the Munich LGBT community.  It's called Rosa Wiesn - or pink meadows. It's a series of events, including the biggest, "Gay Sunday" in the Bräurosl tent.  I went to one of the events and I've never experienced anything quite like it.

Half of the tent was straight - nice, bourgeois visitors eating Weisswurst for breakfast with a beer.  The other half was utterly trashed by 10.30am.  Gay boys were up on the tables dancing, shirts opened to the waist, in their little Lederhosen, socks rolled down their calves, with their cute checked neckerchiefs on.  Is there a more flattering look for a fit guy than Lederhosen?  No. Actually I hated it.  Hated it, I tell you *cough*.

There were also lesbians with plaited hair in Dirndl (and some of course in Lederhosen!) The atmosphere was so incredibly friendly and electric.  Everywhere people were joining in the singing and I've never been to a gay event so free of attitude.  The fact that there were straight people tucking into breakfast on the other side of the tent (you could draw a line down the tent), who were utterly non-plussed by the drunken boys and girls next door, made it all the more fabulous.

Boys in Lederhosen on the Munich subway. Nightmare.

There we have it.  I've used a combination of my own photos and ones from a recent article in the Süddeutsche Zeitung for this post, so I'd better just credit them for copyright purposes.  If you ever get the chance to visit Oktoberfest, I can't recommend it more highly.  Book early, wear Tracht, and Prost!

ROADTWIP!!!

It's Euston Station at 9.03 am on 17 July and I'm a veritable ball of excitement.

There's nothing like getting ready for a holiday - and in this case.... I've had absolutely no chance to.
The previous 4 weeks I've been working abroad taking Americans around Europe without a day, let alone a weekend off.  I've flown back in from Munich the previous afternoon, had my long-awaited brand new car delivered, caught up with regular work, done some washing, and thrown things in the car.  Here I am picking my boyfriend Ste up in London.  Next we have to drop the dog off at my Mutti in Hampshire for his very own dogcation, and then catch a ferry to Calais this evening.  Phew.

A Dream Come True

But nonetheless it's a DREAM COME TRUE.  Brand new shiny red car, somewhat grumpy boyfriend who doesn't like catching early trains, and TEN DAYS to explore the continent on a road trip... or #RoadTwip as I've decided I'll label my tweets.

Ste told me he wanted to do lots of "activities" so I've come up with a list of 20 challenges for him to complete during the journey.  We've got a pretty good idea where we're heading, but it can be tweaked if we change our mind for any reason.

Having safely deposited Oscar in Hampshire, we head for the M25 with bags of time to make the ferry.  We miss it.  A lorry catches fire just in front of us and we sit there for 1.5 hours unable to go forwards or backwards.  Fortunately no one appears to be hurt, and fortunately the ferry people put us on a later ferry to Dunkirk instead.

Here's Ste in Dover still looking decidedly doubtful about this whole experience.  At least his shirt matches the car.  We're going to be camping for the whole trip, or so he thinks. 

The Challenges

No big shakes about the change of ferry, we head down to our first stop, Reims.  We stay in one of those funky French "Formule 1" motorway hotel stops with shared showers and loos in the corridors.  Ste's horror isn't even barely concealed.  Lolooooo: I tell him he's lucky, the campsite in Switzerland will be worse.  At least we have a bed here.  In the morning he has to fulfill Challenge 1.  Piss easy: "Drink Champagne in Champagne".  I didn't stipulate anything about eating our own body weight in pastries, but that doesn't stop us.  Ste is doing a degree in French, so ordering this lot is no big challenge for him.  Also, it's weird how stuffing him full of booze and pain au chocolat improves his mood.  Remarkable!

French Autoroutes are beautiful.  I much prefer them to even German Autobahns: less traffic, fewer junctions, and no where near as insanely fast.  We gobble up the kilometres before heading off cross-country across the Vosges to Switzerland.  A quick stop in Berne to look at the bear pits (I'm convinced the actual bears are a myth, as they're always inside asleep) and we drive up to Engelberg in the Alps.  There is some absolutely stunning scenery on the way, but Engelberg itself is remarkable.  It's up in a mountain valley and is a popular ski resort.  In summer it's much quieter.  You drive up a winding road with waterfalls, fir trees and hair pin bends to get there.

When we arrive, Ste hasn't twigged that we're not following the camp site signs.  I point instead to a beautiful little designer ski hotel.  I've booked us two nights here as a surprise.  Suffice to say he seems rather happy.  So am I: the place is stunning.  It's Hotel Spannort if anyone is interested.  Highly recommended.

The following day is HUSKY DAY.  Ste knew this was coming, but what he didn't know was first, in the morning we were going up the 10,000 ft Mount Titlis.  He doesn't like heights.  The mountain itself is quite high, but the vertical drops from the three cable cars you go up are an extra special treat (the last one revolves).  So is the sign on the top.  It's designed to make you feel better, instil confidence and an sense of security, etc.

But the views! Omg you're on top of the world.  I'd say it's better even that the Jungfraujoch, which is taller, and which you reach by a train rather than a cable car.

Ste has a challenge to complete (all of them can be done at any time on the trip: he's got the complete list).  It is to "Have a conversation in Chinese".  Switzerland in many ways shows shows the changing face of mass tourism.  A few decades back, it was all Japanese and American groups visiting places like this.  Now they serve Indian buffets and curry on top of the mountain and the big groups you see are Indian and Chinese.  Ste leaps straight in there (his degree is French and Chinese) and bingo, Challenge 2 is done by chatting to a guy from Beijing.  They're visiting Switzerland this morning and by tomorrow night will be in Rome, having visited Venice on the way (!)

By way of showing off, he then talks to some Chinese girls and gets his photo taken with them too.  I'm actually genuinely impressed: he's been learning the language for less than two years and comes across as quite fluent.  They certainly understand him without hesitation.

We come down the mountain on the cable cars, but get off for the last part.  There we hire so-called "Trotti Bikes" which are bike/scooters, without pedals but with brakes.  I should have added a challenge "Don't fall off the Trotti Bike" because when I shout to Ste that's he's going too fast, he does an emergency stop and goes flying over the handlebars.  Fortunately he's okay :S

Challenge 3 has been all set up by me and is much too easy.  It is "Get a photo with a husky".  We go to a husky lodge where 30 working dogs spend their summers.  You can visit for the afternoon, learn about the dogs, and then take one of them on a trek in the valley.  When you get back you feed them.  We're both dead excited about this: we both love dogs.

You'll note that challenge 3 does not actually specify that you have to snog one of the huskies.  This appears to pass Ste by.  Being in an enclosure with 30 adult dogs howling and playing is actually quite odd, even for dog lovers.  They really do resemble wolves and I'm a tad freaked out.  I wouldn't recommend this for anyone who isn't a real dog lover that's for sure.

For the trek, you have on dog attached to you by a harness around your waist.  I'm 13.5 stone and my husky (Nando) was yanking me along very effectively up and down the mountain paths.  Ste is lighter than me, and his husky (Kodiak) had even more psychopathic tendencies.  He was also a "lead dog" on the sleigh.  That meant he couldn't stand being at the back and kept hurtling forward, pulling Ste through bushes and streams.  Well... I giggled anyway.  There were 5 of us on the trek, each with our own husky.

This evening, back in Engelberg, as we pick the stones and thorns out of our hair, we get Challenges  4 and 5 out of the way.  They are "Yodel on a Mountain Side" and "Eat Swiss Fondue".  Ste manages to yodel whilst stuffing the fondue at roughly the same time.  It is an exquisite setting: outside, up on a mountain, with no other guests, ringed by snow covered caps.  To end "Husky Day" I've bought a cuddly husky and left him on Ste's pillow as a surprise and a reminder of one of the most perfect days imaginable.  We name him after the bastard who rearranged Ste's vertebrae for him: Kodiak <3

Next it's up north, towards Alsace.  We have a quick obligatory look round Lucerne, the Lion Monument etc, and cross the German border into the Black Forest.  Cuckoo Clocks come from here by the way, not Switzerland!

Challenge 6 is "Survive a Summer Bob Sleigh Run".  I know Ste doesn't like heights, so this is a biggie.  The chair lifts going up are much more worrying than the enclosed gondolas of the ones on Mount Titlis.  You can see from the pic he's not looking too happy.  You go up on the chair lift, and then down on a bobsleigh, which sits on a rail.  You brake and accelerate yourself.  The hill you go up, the Hasenhorn, is just short of Ben Nevis' height, and the run is 2.9 km long.  Brilliant fun!  And he survived.

At this point we're a bit over the driving for today.  It's really hot, and the plan was to head to Alsace, where Challenge 7 awaits.  It is "Smooth an Alsatian (preferably a dog, but failing that a person)".  However, we pass a camping site directly on the beautiful Titisee in the Black Forest and decide to ditch Alsace in favour of this.  We're just enjoying a cold beer and what should appear?  Well good question, but it's probably not an Alsatian.  It's a mutt, but it's close enough.  It has to be at least 10% Alsatian, anyway.  Ste goes up and pretends he thinks it's lovely and asks for a picture.  The bemused human with it (not its owner and probably wise enough to realise it's objectively a bit of an ugly mutt) says "Ja".

Challenge 7, done! [kinda, and bonus: we didn't get arrested for stroking some random French person in Alsace]

If you're observant you'll notice that Ste is sopping wet.  That's because the Titisee is a lake.  I've no idea why it's called Titisee, or indeed why the non-related mountain in Switzerland is called Titlis.  All I'll say is that they're as assuming to a German ear as an English one. Tits everywhere. 

Challenge 8 is "Swim in a Mountain Lake".  Done!  We spend the afternoon splashing round in it, having hired a pedal boat.  Bliss.  As Ste is such an unashamed poser and such a pretty boy, I thought I'd steal this pic from his Instagram and add some more tits into the mix.

Now, Challenge 9 is a biggie.  It's "Order, in German, and eat Black Forest Gateau".  Ste doesn't speak German, and is a tad shy, so he's been practising this for a couple of days.  A suitably humourless Swabian waitress adds to the stress.  Nonetheless, I have video proof of his completing this one successfully! (If the video below doesn't work on your browser, this YouTube link should.) Adorable.  The rest of the evening is spent at at outdoor festival and playing mini-golf.

It's Sunday morning and we are heading north.  Before we leave the Black Forest, we noticed a huge water adventure park (Bade Paradies, Titisee) and think of going for another swim.  What we hadn't seen was that the park is divided in two: one half is a pool with all the slides.  The other is a massive lagoon, heated to 33C and surrounded by 180 real palm trees.  There's a huge sliding roof, a bar in the water, and multiple whirl pools, you can swim to a pool outside and lie in the sun half in the water, looking at the forest.  Best of all: no under 16s admitted.  We both think we've died and gone to heaven.  We have a breakfast there of croissant, sparkling wine, yoghurt and more Black Forest Gateau for good measure, before driving up to Rothenburg ob der Tauber, in northern Franconia, our next stop.

On the way we encounter a driver on the Autobahn who tailgates at 110 mph, tries to overtake on the inside three times, and generally drives like an utter pig.  Never has a number plate been more coincidentally fitting to a style of driving (the picture was taken by Ste whilst we were stopped).  I later tweet this and one of my followers tells me he remembers experiencing the same car and number and had the identical thought!

Rothenburg is the medieval walled town that features in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  It's absurdly picturesque and it's known amongst other things for its pastry balls that are called "Snow Balls".  This is fortunate because Ste forgot to eat a snow ball whilst in Switzerland.  That's Challenge 10 and is easily rectified.  I didn't even need to point them out everywhere there in the shop windows: he was probably going to stuff his chops anyway.  Perfect.

Here's the obligatory photo of Ste by the Plönlein: the most photographed spot in the town.  We also went on the Nightwatchman tour which is great fun (and a rarity: completely historically accurate).  The Nightwatchman said English visitors are "very rare" which is a shame.  Americans and Germans have been coming here since the early 1900s and the Japanese also love the place.  It's not overrun by any means and really is worth a visit if you want picture-perfect postcard Germany as you've always imagined it.

Did I mention the town is surrounded by a medieval wall?  Challenge 11 is "Moon on a medieval wall".  Parental discretion is advised for the below photo, as well as a quick cultural note about Scousers.  Having gone out with one for coming up to a year and a half, I've noticed that they may be shy about ordering cake in German, but if you suggest that they should moon, their pants are down in a shot :o

Given that our "camping trip" ended up consisting of 7 nights spent in hotels and 2 in a tent, I feel I ought to provide proof that we did actually sleep in a tent for part of it.  I love camping and I think even Ste will admit it wasn't that bad.  A proper blow up mattress, Egyptian cotton sheets, duck down duvets and comfy pillows help the experience.  So does having a cuddly husky called Kodiak.

Before we leave Rothenburg we have Challenge 12 to tick off.  It was "Find Ice Cream Pizza or Spaghetti Ice Cream".  The Germans are kinda odd when it comes to novelty ice creams.  I've never seen the creations they come up with else where.  We couldn't find a pizza, but the "Spaghetti Eis" was easy.  Vanilla ice cream is put through a machine and then strawberry sauce is added as "Bolognaise" with white ice cream flakes for "Parmesan".

A swift journey up the Autobahn brings us to to my beloved Netherlands next.  I lived in Amsterdam, studied Dutch at University, and it's as much home to me as England or Germany are.  I can't wait to share Amsterdam with Ste, who has never been.  We stay at the lovely Art Deco American Hotel on Leidseplein.  It's conveniently close to the Vondelpark, which is one of Ste's challenges.  Challenge 13 is "Fondle in Vondelpark".  There's zero question about he's going to have to fondle, and it won't be Kodiak.  I volunteer!

The first night is taken eating an Indonesian Vegetarian Rijstafel (Challenge 14 is "Find us a lovely Indonesian restaurant to stuff our faces".  Indonesian remains my favourite food on earth.  Why do so many of our challenges involve food, by the way?  Hmm... oh yes, because I set them.  They bring out a whole platter of delicious dishes that you share.  Sorry the pic is a bit crap, we were too busy consuming our own body weights in food.  We then roll onto a canal boat tour for one and a half hours of looking at magnificent Amsterdam from the water.

The following day is a bit of a haze.  Here's me on a bridge on a canal in the morning, but we must've eaten something funny because I can't remember much more of the day's events >.<

Fully recovered, we meet lovely @Amwii the following day, who has come up to visit us for a trip round the Dutch countryside.  She's my Twitter Twin, having been born on the same day and same year as me.  If you don't follow her on Twitter, you should.  She's the best.  We do now have a lot of challenges to get through, as time is running out.  We do have time to stop for a photograph next to a windmill but the clock is ticking!

First off we visit Edam where Challenge 15 is straight forward enough: "Eat Edam in Edam".  Did you know that Edam is on the only cheese that's made backwards? 

In fact we visit a cheese factory.  God I love all this ticky-tacky tourist shit.  Ste does too, and squees "Clogs and Cheese" when he sees a sign for the place.  The clogs are handy, because Challenge 16 is "Try on some clogs".  Ste goes for a rather oversized pair.  Okay his feet are like flippers, but even they are a bit small for these.

Challenge 17 is "Get photographs taken dressed as Dutch Cheese Girls".  Ste finds a place that does this in Volendam.  Amwii joins us.  The result is, as I'm sure you'll agree, utterly magnificent.  Ste's stubble contributes particularly well to the overall effect.  We each have an original of the photo, should we ever need to engage in blackmail, bribery or underhand behaviour of any other variety towards each other.

We also go drive through Monnickendam and visit the fishing village of Marken.  Here's one of my favourite photos of the whole trip: me and Ste enjoying a beer in the sunshine there (photo by Amwii).  Such good times.

Challenge 18 could be a toughie, but there's no stopping Fierce Scouser Ste after he's had 250 ml of beer! It's "Milk a cow".  She didn't even flinch.

We leave Amsterdam and Amwii behind, having had a gorgeous Italian meal in a canal side restaurant and a few more drinks, the following morning.  Our penultimate stop is De Efteling, the big Dutch amusement park.  It is a real scream (well I screamed repeatedly anyway), made all the more amusing when one of the water rides soaks Ste and it looks like he's wet himself.

Challenge 19 is "Scream upside down on a ride at a fun fair".  You might be able to tell I created the challenges before the trip, having a good idea where we were going.  If the route had changed, we'd have had to have found another park.  As it was, Efteling allowed the perfect opportunity.  I couldn't photograph it at the time, but here is Ste doing a chillingly accurate post-event reconstruction.  He could be a Hollywood actor.

Finally, we head on to Bruges in Belgium.. but we have one challenge outstanding.  Ste has been in to about 8 bakeries and shops in Amsterdam trying to fulfill it.  Challenge 20 is "Find and photograph a slagroomtaart".  Slagroom is the Dutch for "whipped cream", and slagroomtaart is "whipped cream cake".  Its name has, for obvious reasons, given it legendary status amongst English people such as us, who have the emotional maturity of 4 year olds.

We trawl the streets of Bruges and finally come across this in a window: slagroomtruffels! Ste takes a picture.  Is it enough?  Given the sterling effort Ste has done on ALL his other challenges (with the possibly exception of smoothing the Alsatian) , I'm prepared to award him 19.75 marks out of 20.
There's only one solution: we'll have to go on another #roadtwip next year to see if he can manage 20 out of 20 next time...

Anyway, here's us on our last evening in Bruges, all challenges nearly done.  He wanted "activities" on this holiday: I hope I provided enough of them.  I detect a distinct change in his expression from his slightly dubious look in Dover at the outset.  For me, the whole thing really was a dream.  Dream boyfriend, dream car, and dream destinations.  Talk about being blessed.

On 26 July at 5pm I drop Ste off at Euston for him to train it back home to Liverpool.  We've clocked up 2155.6 miles in 10 days.  It has been the most amazing trip.  Thank you to him for being the best travel companion imaginable, and thanks to you if you've made it this far reading.  It has been a pleasure making this permanent record of the trip, and sharing it with you :-)