There's nothing like getting ready for a holiday - and in this case.... I've had absolutely no chance to.
The previous 4 weeks I've been working abroad taking Americans around Europe without a day, let alone a weekend off. I've flown back in from Munich the previous afternoon, had my long-awaited brand new car delivered, caught up with regular work, done some washing, and thrown things in the car. Here I am picking my boyfriend Ste up in London. Next we have to drop the dog off at my Mutti in Hampshire for his very own dogcation, and then catch a ferry to Calais this evening. Phew.
A Dream Come True
But nonetheless it's a DREAM COME TRUE. Brand new shiny red car, somewhat grumpy boyfriend who doesn't like catching early trains, and TEN DAYS to explore the continent on a road trip... or #RoadTwip as I've decided I'll label my tweets.
Ste told me he wanted to do lots of "activities" so I've come up with a list of 20 challenges for him to complete during the journey. We've got a pretty good idea where we're heading, but it can be tweaked if we change our mind for any reason.
Having safely deposited Oscar in Hampshire, we head for the M25 with bags of time to make the ferry. We miss it. A lorry catches fire just in front of us and we sit there for 1.5 hours unable to go forwards or backwards. Fortunately no one appears to be hurt, and fortunately the ferry people put us on a later ferry to Dunkirk instead.
Here's Ste in Dover still looking decidedly doubtful about this whole experience. At least his shirt matches the car. We're going to be camping for the whole trip, or so he thinks.
No big shakes about the change of ferry, we head down to our first stop, Reims. We stay in one of those funky French "Formule 1" motorway hotel stops with shared showers and loos in the corridors. Ste's horror isn't even barely concealed. Lolooooo: I tell him he's lucky, the campsite in Switzerland will be worse. At least we have a bed here. In the morning he has to fulfill Challenge 1. Piss easy: "Drink Champagne in Champagne". I didn't stipulate anything about eating our own body weight in pastries, but that doesn't stop us. Ste is doing a degree in French, so ordering this lot is no big challenge for him. Also, it's weird how stuffing him full of booze and pain au chocolat improves his mood. Remarkable!
French Autoroutes are beautiful. I much prefer them to even German Autobahns: less traffic, fewer junctions, and no where near as insanely fast. We gobble up the kilometres before heading off cross-country across the Vosges to Switzerland. A quick stop in Berne to look at the bear pits (I'm convinced the actual bears are a myth, as they're always inside asleep) and we drive up to Engelberg in the Alps. There is some absolutely stunning scenery on the way, but Engelberg itself is remarkable. It's up in a mountain valley and is a popular ski resort. In summer it's much quieter. You drive up a winding road with waterfalls, fir trees and hair pin bends to get there.
When we arrive, Ste hasn't twigged that we're not following the camp site signs. I point instead to a beautiful little designer ski hotel. I've booked us two nights here as a surprise. Suffice to say he seems rather happy. So am I: the place is stunning. It's Hotel Spannort if anyone is interested. Highly recommended.
The following day is HUSKY DAY. Ste knew this was coming, but what he didn't know was first, in the morning we were going up the 10,000 ft Mount Titlis. He doesn't like heights. The mountain itself is quite high, but the vertical drops from the three cable cars you go up are an extra special treat (the last one revolves). So is the sign on the top. It's designed to make you feel better, instil confidence and an sense of security, etc.
But the views! Omg you're on top of the world. I'd say it's better even that the Jungfraujoch, which is taller, and which you reach by a train rather than a cable car.
Ste has a challenge to complete (all of them can be done at any time on the trip: he's got the complete list). It is to "Have a conversation in Chinese". Switzerland in many ways shows shows the changing face of mass tourism. A few decades back, it was all Japanese and American groups visiting places like this. Now they serve Indian buffets and curry on top of the mountain and the big groups you see are Indian and Chinese. Ste leaps straight in there (his degree is French and Chinese) and bingo, Challenge 2 is done by chatting to a guy from Beijing. They're visiting Switzerland this morning and by tomorrow night will be in Rome, having visited Venice on the way (!)
By way of showing off, he then talks to some Chinese girls and gets his photo taken with them too. I'm actually genuinely impressed: he's been learning the language for less than two years and comes across as quite fluent. They certainly understand him without hesitation.
We come down the mountain on the cable cars, but get off for the last part. There we hire so-called "Trotti Bikes" which are bike/scooters, without pedals but with brakes. I should have added a challenge "Don't fall off the Trotti Bike" because when I shout to Ste that's he's going too fast, he does an emergency stop and goes flying over the handlebars. Fortunately he's okay :S
Challenge 3 has been all set up by me and is much too easy. It is "Get a photo with a husky". We go to a husky lodge where 30 working dogs spend their summers. You can visit for the afternoon, learn about the dogs, and then take one of them on a trek in the valley. When you get back you feed them. We're both dead excited about this: we both love dogs.
You'll note that challenge 3 does not actually specify that you have to snog one of the huskies. This appears to pass Ste by. Being in an enclosure with 30 adult dogs howling and playing is actually quite odd, even for dog lovers. They really do resemble wolves and I'm a tad freaked out. I wouldn't recommend this for anyone who isn't a real dog lover that's for sure.
For the trek, you have on dog attached to you by a harness around your waist. I'm 13.5 stone and my husky (Nando) was yanking me along very effectively up and down the mountain paths. Ste is lighter than me, and his husky (Kodiak) had even more psychopathic tendencies. He was also a "lead dog" on the sleigh. That meant he couldn't stand being at the back and kept hurtling forward, pulling Ste through bushes and streams. Well... I giggled anyway. There were 5 of us on the trek, each with our own husky.
This evening, back in Engelberg, as we pick the stones and thorns out of our hair, we get Challenges 4 and 5 out of the way. They are "Yodel on a Mountain Side" and "Eat Swiss Fondue". Ste manages to yodel whilst stuffing the fondue at roughly the same time. It is an exquisite setting: outside, up on a mountain, with no other guests, ringed by snow covered caps. To end "Husky Day" I've bought a cuddly husky and left him on Ste's pillow as a surprise and a reminder of one of the most perfect days imaginable. We name him after the bastard who rearranged Ste's vertebrae for him: Kodiak <3
Next it's up north, towards Alsace. We have a quick obligatory look round Lucerne, the Lion Monument etc, and cross the German border into the Black Forest. Cuckoo Clocks come from here by the way, not Switzerland!
Challenge 6 is "Survive a Summer Bob Sleigh Run". I know Ste doesn't like heights, so this is a biggie. The chair lifts going up are much more worrying than the enclosed gondolas of the ones on Mount Titlis. You can see from the pic he's not looking too happy. You go up on the chair lift, and then down on a bobsleigh, which sits on a rail. You brake and accelerate yourself. The hill you go up, the Hasenhorn, is just short of Ben Nevis' height, and the run is 2.9 km long. Brilliant fun! And he survived.
At this point we're a bit over the driving for today. It's really hot, and the plan was to head to Alsace, where Challenge 7 awaits. It is "Smooth an Alsatian (preferably a dog, but failing that a person)". However, we pass a camping site directly on the beautiful Titisee in the Black Forest and decide to ditch Alsace in favour of this. We're just enjoying a cold beer and what should appear? Well good question, but it's probably not an Alsatian. It's a mutt, but it's close enough. It has to be at least 10% Alsatian, anyway. Ste goes up and pretends he thinks it's lovely and asks for a picture. The bemused human with it (not its owner and probably wise enough to realise it's objectively a bit of an ugly mutt) says "Ja".
Challenge 7, done! [kinda, and bonus: we didn't get arrested for stroking some random French person in Alsace]
If you're observant you'll notice that Ste is sopping wet. That's because the Titisee is a lake. I've no idea why it's called Titisee, or indeed why the non-related mountain in Switzerland is called Titlis. All I'll say is that they're as assuming to a German ear as an English one. Tits everywhere.
Challenge 8 is "Swim in a Mountain Lake". Done! We spend the afternoon splashing round in it, having hired a pedal boat. Bliss. As Ste is such an unashamed poser and such a pretty boy, I thought I'd steal this pic from his Instagram and add some more tits into the mix.
It's Sunday morning and we are heading north. Before we leave the Black Forest, we noticed a huge water adventure park (Bade Paradies, Titisee) and think of going for another swim. What we hadn't seen was that the park is divided in two: one half is a pool with all the slides. The other is a massive lagoon, heated to 33C and surrounded by 180 real palm trees. There's a huge sliding roof, a bar in the water, and multiple whirl pools, you can swim to a pool outside and lie in the sun half in the water, looking at the forest. Best of all: no under 16s admitted. We both think we've died and gone to heaven. We have a breakfast there of croissant, sparkling wine, yoghurt and more Black Forest Gateau for good measure, before driving up to Rothenburg ob der Tauber, in northern Franconia, our next stop.
On the way we encounter a driver on the Autobahn who tailgates at 110 mph, tries to overtake on the inside three times, and generally drives like an utter pig. Never has a number plate been more coincidentally fitting to a style of driving (the picture was taken by Ste whilst we were stopped). I later tweet this and one of my followers tells me he remembers experiencing the same car and number and had the identical thought!
Rothenburg is the medieval walled town that features in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It's absurdly picturesque and it's known amongst other things for its pastry balls that are called "Snow Balls". This is fortunate because Ste forgot to eat a snow ball whilst in Switzerland. That's Challenge 10 and is easily rectified. I didn't even need to point them out everywhere there in the shop windows: he was probably going to stuff his chops anyway. Perfect.
Here's the obligatory photo of Ste by the Plönlein: the most photographed spot in the town. We also went on the Nightwatchman tour which is great fun (and a rarity: completely historically accurate). The Nightwatchman said English visitors are "very rare" which is a shame. Americans and Germans have been coming here since the early 1900s and the Japanese also love the place. It's not overrun by any means and really is worth a visit if you want picture-perfect postcard Germany as you've always imagined it.
Did I mention the town is surrounded by a medieval wall? Challenge 11 is "Moon on a medieval wall". Parental discretion is advised for the below photo, as well as a quick cultural note about Scousers. Having gone out with one for coming up to a year and a half, I've noticed that they may be shy about ordering cake in German, but if you suggest that they should moon, their pants are down in a shot :o
Given that our "camping trip" ended up consisting of 7 nights spent in hotels and 2 in a tent, I feel I ought to provide proof that we did actually sleep in a tent for part of it. I love camping and I think even Ste will admit it wasn't that bad. A proper blow up mattress, Egyptian cotton sheets, duck down duvets and comfy pillows help the experience. So does having a cuddly husky called Kodiak.
Before we leave Rothenburg we have Challenge 12 to tick off. It was "Find Ice Cream Pizza or Spaghetti Ice Cream". The Germans are kinda odd when it comes to novelty ice creams. I've never seen the creations they come up with else where. We couldn't find a pizza, but the "Spaghetti Eis" was easy. Vanilla ice cream is put through a machine and then strawberry sauce is added as "Bolognaise" with white ice cream flakes for "Parmesan".
The first night is taken eating an Indonesian Vegetarian Rijstafel (Challenge 14 is "Find us a lovely Indonesian restaurant to stuff our faces". Indonesian remains my favourite food on earth. Why do so many of our challenges involve food, by the way? Hmm... oh yes, because I set them. They bring out a whole platter of delicious dishes that you share. Sorry the pic is a bit crap, we were too busy consuming our own body weights in food. We then roll onto a canal boat tour for one and a half hours of looking at magnificent Amsterdam from the water.
The following day is a bit of a haze. Here's me on a bridge on a canal in the morning, but we must've eaten something funny because I can't remember much more of the day's events >.<
Fully recovered, we meet lovely @Amwii the following day, who has come up to visit us for a trip round the Dutch countryside. She's my Twitter Twin, having been born on the same day and same year as me. If you don't follow her on Twitter, you should. She's the best. We do now have a lot of challenges to get through, as time is running out. We do have time to stop for a photograph next to a windmill but the clock is ticking!
First off we visit Edam where Challenge 15 is straight forward enough: "Eat Edam in Edam". Did you know that Edam is on the only cheese that's made backwards?
In fact we visit a cheese factory. God I love all this ticky-tacky tourist shit. Ste does too, and squees "Clogs and Cheese" when he sees a sign for the place. The clogs are handy, because Challenge 16 is "Try on some clogs". Ste goes for a rather oversized pair. Okay his feet are like flippers, but even they are a bit small for these.
Challenge 17 is "Get photographs taken dressed as Dutch Cheese Girls". Ste finds a place that does this in Volendam. Amwii joins us. The result is, as I'm sure you'll agree, utterly magnificent. Ste's stubble contributes particularly well to the overall effect. We each have an original of the photo, should we ever need to engage in blackmail, bribery or underhand behaviour of any other variety towards each other.
Challenge 18 could be a toughie, but there's no stopping Fierce Scouser Ste after he's had 250 ml of beer! It's "Milk a cow". She didn't even flinch.
We leave Amsterdam and Amwii behind, having had a gorgeous Italian meal in a canal side restaurant and a few more drinks, the following morning. Our penultimate stop is De Efteling, the big Dutch amusement park. It is a real scream (well I screamed repeatedly anyway), made all the more amusing when one of the water rides soaks Ste and it looks like he's wet himself.
Challenge 19 is "Scream upside down on a ride at a fun fair". You might be able to tell I created the challenges before the trip, having a good idea where we were going. If the route had changed, we'd have had to have found another park. As it was, Efteling allowed the perfect opportunity. I couldn't photograph it at the time, but here is Ste doing a chillingly accurate post-event reconstruction. He could be a Hollywood actor.
Finally, we head on to Bruges in Belgium.. but we have one challenge outstanding. Ste has been in to about 8 bakeries and shops in Amsterdam trying to fulfill it. Challenge 20 is "Find and photograph a slagroomtaart". Slagroom is the Dutch for "whipped cream", and slagroomtaart is "whipped cream cake". Its name has, for obvious reasons, given it legendary status amongst English people such as us, who have the emotional maturity of 4 year olds.
We trawl the streets of Bruges and finally come across this in a window: slagroomtruffels! Ste takes a picture. Is it enough? Given the sterling effort Ste has done on ALL his other challenges (with the possibly exception of smoothing the Alsatian) , I'm prepared to award him 19.75 marks out of 20.
There's only one solution: we'll have to go on another #roadtwip next year to see if he can manage 20 out of 20 next time...
Anyway, here's us on our last evening in Bruges, all challenges nearly done. He wanted "activities" on this holiday: I hope I provided enough of them. I detect a distinct change in his expression from his slightly dubious look in Dover at the outset. For me, the whole thing really was a dream. Dream boyfriend, dream car, and dream destinations. Talk about being blessed.
On 26 July at 5pm I drop Ste off at Euston for him to train it back home to Liverpool. We've clocked up 2155.6 miles in 10 days. It has been the most amazing trip. Thank you to him for being the best travel companion imaginable, and thanks to you if you've made it this far reading. It has been a pleasure making this permanent record of the trip, and sharing it with you :-)
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